Run Away and Back Again (HTTYD)

A Drawing with Me

It's not that I like him....it's just I treated him badly. I have no idea what kind of emotion should I have. I feel angry but sad for him, I feel pity him but praise his bravery for trusting a dragon, I feel like I hate him for running away but misses his funny loopsided grin. I'm disappointed at him but I felt guilt to myself.

Oh for the love of Thor why am I even thinking of him. I'm supposed to forget all about him, I should never feel guilt because it's really his fault not trying hard to be a viking. I should be angry at him not angry to at myself. It's not my fault.

Now I wonder, when did I even start thinking of him? Oh yeah I'm holding his dagger that I picked from the arena five years ago. Also today is his feast. I could not believe that jerk of a Snot asked his father Spitelout to make a good-bye-for-good-Hiccup feast. And Stoick had agreed to it absentmindly, now he's gonna remember every scene he has to remember.

It has been like that for five years during the feast, Stoick wouldn't celebrate with the others. Instead he sits at his throne alone at the arena and stares the same spot where Hiccup stood. It hurts me to see him suffer. He is, after all living alone with no other family member to fill his happiness. As if he lost his whole family in a war and he was the only sole survivor of this tragedy. He rarely goes out, leaving Gobber doing the chiefing duty and oftenly asks me to help him out.

While Gobber was far too busy, I was in charge for training the gang and the others. It was tough to be honest so I asked for Fishlegs's help. I'd rather take Fishlegs as an assistant than Snotlout.

Everyone honored me as a shield maiden because of the Monstrous Nightmare I defeated three years ago. It ranked me as a full fledged viking warrior of Berk, a chance to be the next heir to the throne. But to me it was nothing to be proud of. I didn't know the dragon I just beat up died a few days later. The village celebrated but I was not happy with it.

They didn't even noticed that my left arm was badly burnt until someone hold a grip on it and I screamed with pain. Gothi and the rest of the healers treated my arm, the healers say I was lucky for it was only a second degree burn. To me it would only remind me of a dragon I killed. That night I was crying as if I killed someone. As if I killed Hiccup too. That mark, that burnt mark would only tell that I'm the real monster. That I'm a killer.

Yes I have dreamt that someday I could get to kill a dragon, but after what happened with Hiccup, everything dawned to me. It wasn't right.

The conversation we had, he said he stayed with that night fury for weeks and nothing happened. I've thought that maybe everything would work out if we gave it a shot. That day, that day when we had our last conversation. He left me hanging when he said he loves me. LOVED he said, so maybe he hates me right now.

What if I didn't told Stoick, what if I stayed, what if I listened. Would he show me how it feels to ride a dragon? What if he stayed, what if dragons were kept as pets, what would happen to both of us?y

What ifs......what would

I sat kneeled as I faced the setting sun holding his dagger and vest. I dunno what went to me but I just wanted to hold on to what's left of him. Every time his feast turns up I come to this cliff where I last saw him flew away. I was thankful to the gods that he was still alive for three years and hoping he stays safe. Johan's news was a good start, at least from that point I knew he's still alive.

I still have the chance to apologize.

I regret everything I've done. His life is ruined thanks to me. Even though I knew it was everyone's fault too but I played the critical one. I told everyone and it's entirely my fault. But why do I even had the right to be mad at him? Why?..why?...why?