How To Love

7.

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down
Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart
We never win but the battle wages on for toy soldiers
I'm supposed to be the soldier, who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I ain't never suppose to show it, my crew ain't suppose to know it
: Like Toy Soldiers by Eminem

                      ~Kami~
                "What are you doing here?" A'Keem asked answering Jamal's door.
                "I came to see Kari if that's okay with you," I replied.
                "You got your shit together? Clearly not. Look at what you got on," he spat. Today I had a too tight, too short, red dress with stilletos. Do I look like a first-class hooker? Yes. Do I care? No.
                "I'm grown. I can wear what I want," I stated.
                "I don't even see how you can afford to dress like that unless you tricking off," he muttered.
                 "Where's Jamal?" I asked him.
                "Kami, don't disrespect my father no more. I don't mind slapping your dumb ass today," he warned.
                "Well let me in the house, so I can see your father then," I rolled my eyes. He sighed and opened the door wider. I followed him into the house. Jamal, Kari, Kane, and Janae were all on the couch.
                "Kami what the hell do you have on?" Jamal asked.
                "I have to tell you something," I shrugged.
                "What is it?" He sighed.
                "Could you act like you wanna hear what I have to say!" I snapped at him.
                 "Could you put on some decent fucking clothing!" He snapped back.
                "If I change, will you listen to me?" I asked him.
                "I'll listen to whatever you have to say. I'm sure you have clothes in your room," he replied.
                "Kari can I just borrow a dress or something?" I asked. I'm not going back up there to that room.
                 "Kami go change your damn clothes before I change my mind," Jamal stated. I stood up and walked over to the stairs. Each step I took, my legs shook. It seem like it took me forever to get to my old room. I opened the door and it was the exact same way I left it.
                I stared at the bed and I saw me sitting there. I was home alone. Age 16. Damn I shouldn't have taken those pills on the way over here.
                      Flashback
                 "Hey Kami," he whispered. I jumped.
              "What are you doing here? Leave!" I snapped.
             "Why? My friend missed you," he chuckled pulling out his gun.
               "Michael why are you doing this to me?" I cried.
               "Because I love you Kami. I love you more than anything in this world."
              "This isn't love," I cried. "This is torture. You raped me."
               "Take this," he said handing me a pill. I shook my head. He looked at his gun before looking back at me and I took it.
              "Here drink this," he stated.
              "I don't like alcohol," I shook my head. He grabbed my neck and began squeezing it.
               "Don't you ever disobey me again little bitch." So I drunk it. He chuckled.
            "How you feeling?" He asked.
            "I don't feel anything," I told him.
            "Good," he said. The next morning Kane burst into my room.
             "Ayo Kami! Oh my GOD." I was naked on my bed. Michael was no longer here though. He just slowly backed out. I was too far gone to care though. I felt good. So damn good. Too damn good. Except between my legs. I wanted something between my legs.

                I stared at the bed and all I saw was Michael penetrating my body. I was too weak to move. He drugged me. Tears streamed down my cheek and I sat down with my back against the bed. I grabbed a pillow and cried into it.
                My fucking GOD! I'm sleeping with my rapist. What the fuck is wrong with me? I called Hakeem sniffling.
               "What's wrong Love?" He asked.
               "I hate it here," I cried. "It's so many bad memories. And they don't even wanna listen to what I have to say. They told me to change my clothes."
             "Kami put on something else and if you don't wanna tell them anymore, come back to my house and we can talk then okay?"
             "Okay," I nodded wiping my tears. I took off the dress and heels and Kane burst into my room.
              "My bad," he sighed. "I thought you would be dressed by now." He turned so his back was facing me.
               I threw on a t-shirt and wiggled into some jeans. "I'm decent."
             "Kami I think we need to talk. This is the third time I've found you without clothes on in your room," he started.
             "Kane, there's nothing to talk about. You cut me off. That's enough said for me," I shrugged. He nodded walking away. I waited until he was gone and looked in the mirror. Dammit, my mascara was running. I cleaned off my face using the dress and went downstairs.
                I picked up my keys and started towards the door. "Bye Kami!" Kari called.
                "Bye," I waved.
                "A'Kami!" Jamal called. I paused and looked at him. "Don't walk out your house without your clothes on no more," he stated.
               "I'm grown," I replied leaving his house. And to think I couldn't even tell him what I wanted to tell him because he was judging me. I got into my car and drove back to HaKeem's house. I went into his house and he was chilling.
               "I'm about to go to a cookout. You rolling?" He asked. I nodded. When he said cookout, I thought he meant going to a mansion or something. I've always lived a spoiled Suburban life, so I wasn't used to the hood. A'Keem didn't even have us in the hood.
              We got out of the car and he dapped up some guys. He held my hand the whole time though. "Hey Mama Joy," he smiled hugging some old lady.
             "Hey boy. You don't ever come see me anymore," she rolled her eyes. "Who is this?" She looked at me.
               "This is A'Kami, my partner," he answered.
               "I'll never understand you boy," she shook her head. He laughed guiding me to get some drinks. Then we sat down on a couch. Couches outside in the yard?
               "They don't have a patio?" I whispered to Hakeem.
                "Love, damn you been staying in the suburbs too long," he chuckled. I sipped my drink.
               "What is this?" I asked.
               "Sherbert punch. You know I'm not giving you no liquor, so don't even try it," he told me.
              "I know. I know," I giggled. He kissed my forehead. Then I heard someone say his street name I guess.
             "Tristan!" She called as she strutted over to us.
             "Wassup?" He asked.
             "Who is this? Sadie told me you had some hoe with you at the spot, but I ain't wanna believe it. This bitch probably burning!" She snapped. I looked at Hakeem.
              "Nadia get the fuck out my face," he told her. She rolled her eyes and stormed away. Everybody was staring at us.
              "This shit is so ghetto," I whispered to Hakeem.
               "Love," he chuckled.
               "What you do to Nadia?" Sadie stormed over to us. "She just called her brother!"
              "Let her call him, we got something for that nigga," Sadie's brother, whose name I learned is Ryder said.
              "Umm, I think we should go Hakeem," I started.
               "Nah love. I don't run," he smirked.
               "Hakeem, I'm not used to this," I shook my head.
             "She call you Hakeem?" Brody asked chuckling.
              "Shut up," he mumbled. "I promise you won't get hurt Love." He kissed my forehead and stood up. I don't know where he was going but he was cut off by a group of niggas running in the yard. I watched in horror as a group fight broke out.
              Everybody was cheering, some recording. Mama Joy stood on her porch watching like she was some damn QueenPin used to the shit. I shook my head, then I saw something shiny.
              "Hakeem!" I screamed running towards the fight. I pushed through people. Then I heard gunshots. Everyone started running, but I was focused on getting to Hakeem. I was too late though. He was on the ground, blood all over his shirt.
               "Hakeem!" I cried pulling him close to me. "CALL AN AMBULANCE!" I screamed.
               "Don't leave me Hakeem. I can't lose you. Please Hakeem," I cried.
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