Remember the times

Chapter 19

"Hyung,now I look good"

Jin nodded and smiled but no,Jimin didn't look good.Yeah he had everything he wanted.But looking good was not just about what the mirror shows you.Somehow Jin knew Jimin never was going to be satisfied and hell! he wished he was wrong.The concert had just ended and everyone plopped into the van,tired while Jimin excused himself saying he forgot to take something.Noone had enough energy to stop him so there he was running back to the Videography room,politely requesting him to show the perfomance videos.And no,he didn't do good.His voice cracked at places,at most high notes.His fast breaths dominated the audio.Hyungs and Crew were lying.

When everyone slept,tired trying to get enough rest for the next day,he cried.He still blamed the human he was born to be.A knock on the door woke Namjoon up.He opened the door to see a tearful Jimin.All he said was,"am sorry for letting you down"

Namjoon was beyond confused.When has Jimin ever let him down?Not yesterday,Not today,Not any days to come.
The answer to Namjoon's 'what happened' took it's time to make it out of Jimin's lips.It was the same words,same insecurities,same fears.But Namjoon never got tired,Jin never got tired.

How can you be tired of family?

Namjoon held his hands,"Love yourself",He said.

And Jimin honestly tried,to love every cracks and fragile pieces that had built into him.But there was always something missing.And even Jin and Namjoon wouldn't understand why Jimin's mind worked so.How self loathing works.
The constant need of someone to tell him that he is doing good,that his vocals are amazing,his dancing skills are incredible.

Cause someone who hates themselves always need assurance,that they are enough.Their low self-esteem placed themselves below everyone.Anything they won,anything they own doesn't feel like their's cause to them they don't deserve anything.Be it a thing or be it love.It was not their's to hold.When Armys showered him with love,he smiled back hiding the scared part of his self thinking back to whether he deserved it.

Or did they love him only cause he now fit the concepts and measure and mould of an idol.

Handsome,Strong build,a good skin and a lot more to add.
Did he check everything in that list? Is he now the perfect one? No,it's toxic...The road to perfection when it's particularly not for one's own self but someone else wanted it.When Someone else expects that out of you.

And he started drawing those lines,down his thighs and they let out dark blood by the line.It hurt him,the pain.He knew it was breaking his planes of mental stability so he made sure no one knows,that'd be the end of Bangtan if the word gets out.The voice inside his head spoke louder than his conscious self.The cuts moved from his thighs to wrists.

When Army cooed about sweater paws,it had his secrets covered.

Yes,it trended on twitter but his screams were muffled into the pillow gaurded by the four walls.

And it ended up in that phone call that echoed through Rkive.Lies followed,lots of them since Namjoon and Jin agreed to keep this to themselves.Jimin's manager and Stylist had to know too and eventually Bangshihyuk knew too.None of them ever wanted to consciously keep it down cause to them Jimin's life mattered more than Bangtan's reputation,but Jimin insisted,begged taking a full bow.He said he will get help,he said he will be fine.It was vain to let the others worry over nothing.It was nothing,ofcourse.Right?