Pepper never meant to lose her best friend. Lucas never meant to fall in love.
Yet the aftermath of broken hearts leads them to blur the lines of their friendship forever. When Pepper is dumped by her boyfriend and Lucas is led on by his crush, they...
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I'VE CONTEMPLATED HATING THEM. Both of them. Lucas and Pepper. My entire Friday night was spent crying in Elliot's arms about how stupid I was not to see it. Not to see what was right in front of me for so many years. Then, I spent all of this morning declaring that I would never fall in love and how I won't trust people ever again. Elliot's heard this speech before, of course. It's the same coping process I went through when my dad left us. Witnessing my mom suffer in such despair terrified me from the idea of ever giving someone my heart. Yet as day eases into night, and Elliot leaves to cover his shift at work, I am left to my vulnerable ways of thinking in solitude.
Pepper apologized to me days before this happened.
When I think about that, the part of me that hates her struggles with the part that wants to hear her side of the story.
Why did they do it? Why lie to me? More importantly, why was she so distraught? I certainly don't find the answer at the bottom of an empty glass of liquor, but the burn was nice. The sensation of alcohol coursing through my veins and altering my senses just a tad is enough for me. My emotions are still here, but a little more aloof than before. The off-white ceiling above my bed provides a nice target of focus as I ponder and ponder for hours. I know I'm going to forgive them eventually. In fact, I'm already in the process of it. I can't hate them. I'm just too attached to them. It's my fault for ignoring the neon signs months ago. Now I just want to know why. What led to this moment? Why was Pepper so upset if she was with Lucas? Even though she's been so torn about her breakup with Mason... What about that one date with Lucas when all the clues were dropping in?
'Just one slip up.' 'I liked it and I convinced this girl that we should keep sleeping together.' 'She only slept with me because she was heartbroken.' 'She wanted to end things with me, but I convinced her not to.'
"Fuck," I whisper and drive shaky fingers through my hair. My hate for Pepper wanes into guilt. "She didn't want to," I speak into the dimness of my room. The pain in her eyes was ever clear. The way she cried so suddenly as if she couldn't contain herself any longer. She wanted to stop. Just like I did at Elliot's party when Lucas had tried to go further with me. I ran into Pepper right after. I was crying into her about how he almost convinced me to do something I wasn't ready for.
'I understand. He kind of has that effect on people.'
How did I not see it way back then? Am I that blind?
My hatred disappears and I don't know what's left over now. Pain? Maybe? It doesn't hurt as much as it did at first. Not now that I understand so much more. What really hurts is the fact that Lucas loves Pepper so much more than me. Exactly as I feared. For years, I watched their friendship from the outside. I was terrified to place my heart in his hands because of Pepper. I envied her. Then I grew to like her. Now I don't know.
Lucas has been the boy I've wanted but was too afraid to fall in love with. So, was I right or wrong? Was it really a mistake hiding from him all of those years, or did I seal my fate?
