secret lovesong

7

Andy

The noise of a vacuum cleaner brought me back to reality.

As soon as I realized that Rye was still holding my hand, I pulled mine back and stood up. "So, are you ready?", I asked him quickly. He looked as confused as if felt.

I hadn't noticed how much I'd been soaked into my thoughts, after Mikey had spilled out the truest and most purest words I'd ever heard in my life.

I knew he liked this girl and I had way too much fun at teasing him with her, but I'd never realized how similar our feelings had been. He wanted to be able to show his feelings for her, so was I. Well, not for her, but my feelings for Rye.

I wanted to stop keeping this a secret. I wanted to stop hiding and being scared of what would happen if someone found out. I wanted to finally be able to talk with Rye about my feelings and the fact that I truly believed that he had kissed me last night. And not only because he had been drunk, but because he wanted to.

"Sorry, for interrupting your little bromance thing, but you've told me to clean the floor.". My head snapped towards Brooklyn, who was standing in the kitchen with a vac. He looked at Rye, who was glaring at him.

"What bromance thing, Brook? I don't know what you mean, but as an advice: you should probably change your clothes, before you start cleaning. You're losing flour.", he hissed.

Oh, he was angry.

"You seriously don't know what I'm talking about? You were holding hands with-". "Leave it.", I interrupted Brook, before the whole situation could turn real messy. I looked at Rye. "Come on, let's go outside.".

We grabbed our guitars and left the kitchen. Together we walked to the little forest near our tennis court. A few days ago, we had build our own little place, where we had hidden ourselves from the world. We'd just went there and had talked about everything and nothing, like we once had used to.

I enjoyed living in a bigger house with more privacy. Back in the days we never had the chance to be alone if we needed some time but now we had all the opportunities in the world.

I saw the hammocks appearing between the trees and the picture of me and Rye sitting there, popped up in my head. A few days ago, after we had build our place, Robbie had taken a picture of us and had posted it on Instagram. The fandom had gone crazy.

Randy was fianally back.

//

I don't know how many hours we had spent practicing. Rye was really fast at learning how to play the guitar and I liked him as my student. I showed him some tricks and ways to get an easy strumming that still sounded nice. After a few hours he was ready to try singing the song while playing the guitar.

My heart started to hurt as he was singing the lyrics, that were meant to hurt the girl I couldn't stand at all. Even now, weeks after the breakup, she got more attention from him than I did. I joined him in singing the song and due to the way he looked at me I knew, that he saw the pain in my eyes and heard the suffer in my voice.

We practiced the song til sundown and even the next whole day. Everything was right between us and things slowly started to get normal again. It wasn't a big thing for the boys anymore, that we started to hang together all the time and Robbie started to represent himself as the biggest Randy shipper of all time on Instagram.

I saw all the comments he liked and all the Randy comments he dropped below my posts. I smiled everytime I read one, but there was this feeling inside of me.

An unsatisfied feeling that kept resting in my chest, heavy and cold.

The friendship of me and Ryan seemed to be as normal as before, but I realized these moments. Little moments that didn't seem to matter and probably nobody else noticed, but I did. The little moments where something unspoken seemed to stand between us.

A thing that confused me during that time was that it seemed like Rye was avoiding to be alone with me. Especially in the evenings he locked himself in his room and during the day he always tried not to touch me in any way. We only practiced in the kitchen or in the conservatory and always one of the other boys was around. I got the feeling Rye was afraid of me somehow.

Another big problem was the song. The lyrics of the song still made it very difficult for me to practice the song with him, but I tried to ignore my feelings. Just for him.

//

The third day after she had posted the pictures with Rye in her Instagram story was the day, where Rye decided to post the video on Instagram. We were sitting on the couch and Jack and Brooklyn tried to cook some dinner for us, when Rye suddenly stopped playing the guitar. I looked up from my phone, straight into his eyes.

"What?".

He just stared back at me for some seconds before he announced: "I'm going to post the cover today. I don't want to make this whole drama thing too long. I want to close this chapter and move on.". I just nodded.

"Can you record a video of me singing the song?". I nodded again, without saying anything.

Rye handed me his phone and I stood up. "Rye, you're not really doing this, are you? Mate, she broke the rules! You shouldn't dedicate her a song!", shouted Jack from the kitchen. He was still cooking something. I don't know what it was but it smelled heavenly.

Rye shrugged his shoulders and gave me a sign to start filming. Pretty soon we realized that it was just too loud in the kitchen, mostly because of the typical kitchen noises but also because Brook slipped a scream or a comment every now and then. After Rye had shouted at Brooklyn for the third time we decided to go to the cinema room instead.

Once again I pressed the recording button and Rye started singing. My heart broke for the million time and this time I couldn't hold my feelings back. He sounded so precious but so hurt. I couldn't stand here, filming him singing his heart out.

I stared at him through the phone and then the trigger was pulled. I felt my eyes filling up with tears. I didn't think for a second, I just had to leave the room.

The trigger for my emotional breakdown was a simple name, that had popped up on the display of his phone. A name I hoped to never read on this phone again. I dropped the phone, turned and ran upstairs in my room.

"WHAT THE-?! ANDY!", Rye shouted behind me, before I closed the door and locked it.

I just didn't want him to see me crying over a stupid song and an even more stupid girl. And I didn't want him to know that I loved him. I had to keep all this a secret. I had to keep him a secret.

Because Rye was my biggest secret and he would always be my biggest one. I'd had many secrets throughout the years but he was by far my favorite one.