Collide : A Robsten Fanfiction

Chapter 41 : Denial.Anger.Bargaining.

"Would I want to see?" I was curious.

"No. I'd rather you not. They're attacking somebody else." Cj informed me with a straight face. Suddenly it dawned on me what he meant.

"Seriously? Oh...I hope they're okay." I sighed. Did I disappoint the fans again? I feel like I fail them everytime I sink this low and not be able to fight for me and him.

God Rob...I just can't believe this.

Somehow my heart, my body and my mind refuses to believe it. I had no fucking clue. 

"Cj...when you were in LA, did he ever let on that he was seeing somebody new?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Honestly? No. Nada." Cj said with conviction. "A little birdie actually flew by and told me that he was pining for you" Cj smiled.

I scoffed. Now I refuse to believe this one.

"Yeah right, no call, no text messages, no email ever....The only messages I get are passed and they're about the dogs!" I ranted. The house exchange we had been doing for the past few months came to mind. Now that he's dating he better think twice on stepping onto my doorstep again.  I seethed. Denial done, anger now took its place.  That was fast.

"Oooh...Now this is what I'm talking about. Girl you gotta let that out." He taunted.

"Nothing's gonna come out. I'm fine." I frowned at my empty cig packet.

"Are you sure? I'm leaving tomorrow and you're stuck with Nic and Scott. You better let that out while I'm still here"  He actually glanced at his watch and counted the hours.

"I'm fine, I promise." As long as I don't think about him with somebody new I'm gonna keep on being fine, except that little problem of that stuck photo in my head. 

"Okay whatever you say" Cj stood.

"Wait...can you...can you show me the pics again?" I reached out to him.  Somehow I already planned on asking him earlier, but it was only now that I had the courage.

"Are you crazy?!" Cj exclaimed.

I frowned at him. "No! Just let me see it again."

"No. You can google it anyway in a few hours." Cj picked up his phone and probably scanned it if it was already up. He shook his head indicating it wasn't on the tabloids yet. "Are you prepared?"

"For what? The backlash?....I'm used to it" I silently answered as I lowered my head. It always comes back my way anyway, and I partly blame myself for that.  Nowadays, I just don't give a fuck what they think about my personal life anymore.

"Very mature. So....does that mean you're finally over him?" Cj asked.

It took me a while to answer it.  Usually I would nod, but Cj was my friend, and It felt wrong to nod when I'm hurting this way tonight.

"Does it matter?" I whispered, he barely heard it.

"Probably doesn't....but it helps" He answered.

I leaned back on my wicker chair and closed my eyes. I thought of Rob. I thought of Rob when I first met him.  I thought about our first kiss.  I thought about our friendship. I thought about the time he first told me of his feelings towards me, his guitar, his songs, his dreams and ambitions. I thought about how we made love for long long hours, slowly, passionately and insatiably. I thought about how wonderful those years were. I thought about his stupid jokes that never fails to cheer me up...and how I badly miss them right now.  I thought about how he told me that he was very proud of me, how he told me he loved me, how he loves everything about me. I thought about how beautiful it would be to grow old with my best friend. I thought about almost losing him and the joy of him coming back. I thought about him now.....and wonder....and wonder if he's sharing those with somebody else.

He's with someone else now. I love him so much still but he's with someone else now.

My tears started to fall, my chest heaved and I was just there lying back on the wicker chair my eyes still closed, tears streaming down my cheeks.

I felt Cj lay a hand on my shoulder.

"Do you think she makes him happy?" I asked between sobs. I had to know. I had to know that wherever Robert is, he is happy.

"I don't know" Cj whispered.

I glanced at him. He was silent and looking down now.

"She probably does, Rob wouldn't date someone unless he's serious about them...If I'm sure of anything, it's that." I said. I don't know who I was convincing, myself or Cj.

"Then she probably does make him happy"

I closed my eyes. Yes. Rob smiling again. What I'd give to make him smile like that again. That was all I needed to hear.

"Cj?"

"Yeah?"

"I may not be over him yet...but Rob is happy. He deserves to be happy...." I silently admitted while my heart shattered into pieces yet again.

I can take the pain as long as he's happy.

It's a fair bargain.