Collide : A Robsten Fanfiction

Chapter 15 : The Bowery

The Bowery, New York

May 2013

I looked at his sleeping form right beside me. It's almost 3 in the morning and he's snoring soundly at our hotel bed. He's out, I thought to myself. I did tire him. It's crazy how we get so into each other if given the chance, like bunnies in heat. I laugh to myself.

I can't sleep. I should be exhausted but the little voice that has been bothering me for the last few hours has kept me awake. I've been thinking of our taxi ride back here from the Sturridges' place.

Visiting Tom and Sienna after all these months was a welcome thing.  Marlowe, their 10-month-old baby was so generous of her attention it's making me reconsider priorities in my life.

Sometimes, I wonder what our baby would look like if me and Rob had one. Surely he or she would look like him. I smiled. I would dearly love for our baby to look like him. He'd be so beautiful and wonderful.

I glanced at Rob flat on the bed with one hand behind my neck and the other curled on his tummy.

I raised my fingers to his face, tracing his eyebrows then running it to the tip of his nose down to the side to curl by his jaw.

I sighed.

Things in our world had been busy lately, especially his. Great things are happening for him, and I'm glad he still gave me a chance to be part of it.

God, I almost lost him.

Thinking about those dark days still make me cringe. Those were the days where I never wanted to wake up. Even nightmares were better than the reality I was living then.

I would cry until I felt like my eyes are swollen, until my heart felt like it was gonna explode from the pain. I would cry out his name until my mom would beg me to stop, for she would be crying too.  People don't understand the need I had to hurt myself then. I wanted to hurt myself.

Never did I think about the human capacity of hating ones existence so much.  My parents and my close friends did their best to stop me from doing the inevitable.

It was crazy. I never thought I could be that weak. I never thought I was capable of doing something to hurt myself that much, and end up hurting everyone around me. I never thought I was capable of hurting the one who actually mattered so much. I never thought of hurting Rob.

I was so sure then than I'll never see him again.  I was so sure of it I never even bothered to redeem myself, or tried to crawl back in his graces after that last statement. The last statement was the only chance I had to be able to get through him, and even it constituted to speak to the world about a stupid mistake I made, I had to do it. I knew it was the only one I'll ever get.

I never heard from him back for so long.

It was so cold. It was so damn cold I was shivering that entire summer. From what I can remember, I was closeted in my room in a self-imposed exile. Suzie told me it came to a point where I stopped eating. I stopped going out. I almost stopped doing everything. I didn't care.

I didn't care what the others thought. I didn't care how much everyone hated me. I didn't care coz they'll never hate me as much as I hated myself back then.

I didn't care. I just needed him back. I needed Rob back.

I caught myself silently crying again.

"Are you okay?" I flinched as I heard his drowsy voice whisper in my ear.

I hurriedly dried my wet cheeks with the blanket then turned to smile at him.

"Hey.....yeah, just a little exhausted" I replied. I'll never get tired seeing him right beside me for the rest of my life.

He laughed. "Says a lot about my prowess" He then pulled me closer to him chest to chest. He brushed his hand through my messy hair then slowly got closer to kiss my forehead, his sign of affection.

"Go to sleep" He murmured.

"I can't" I admitted, hiding my face in his neck.

"Do you want me to sing you to sleep?" He quietly joked. He never does, if he does try, we always end up laughing, or turn each other on so bad we end up awake the entire night.

"Babe....can I ask you something?" I whispered so quietly half wishing he won't hear it.

"Hmm?"

Damn it.

"Umm....what do you think of Marlowe?" I asked. Might as well get it all out now that's here.

"She's cute...and noisy. I think Tom and Sienna will never get a night of decent sleep for the next 18 years" He answered confidently with a little laugh at the end of the statement.

"Hmm...what do you think of us not getting a decent sleep for the next 18 years?" I asked innocently. I hope he knows where I'm getting at.

He guffaws.

"I think we never have one every time we share a bed" He admitted proudly. I had the urge to playfully smack him.

"Rob! You know what I mean." I said, exasperation in my voice.

"Yes babe, what do you mean?" He conceded, pulling me closer and nipping my neck. This guy is insatiable.

"I meant...Rob wait...." I was starting to sound breathless again.  He was distracting me with kisses and bites. "I meant like If we make our own Marlowe" I hurriedly continued.

He froze. "What?" He moved enough so I can clearly see his face.

"It's crazy, but I think It would be so cool to...."

"Cool? It's not that cool" He interrupted.

He moved to straighten on the bed, leaving enough space between us. I felt so cold suddenly I pulled the blankets tighter around me and continued to explain my epiphany.

"I think it's cool....I would name him Thomas after you." I admitted. My voice was so soft I barely heard it myself.

He laughed disbelievingly and for a moment my heart broke a little.

I like Thomas. I like the thought of Thomas with Rob's hair and eyes and nose. I like him so much already.

I sighed, giving up so fast because you're scared the illusion might shatter.

"Nevermind." I said, then I curled myself on the bed facing away from him.

For a few minutes I didn't hear or feel anything. Then his arms snaked around my waist to my chest to hold me close to him, my naked back to his hairy chest.

"Maybe someday.....but right now you're not ready" He said.  "And besides, we have our burgeoning indie career to think of" He laughingly added.

I shrugged, opting not to say anything.

I hear him take a deep breath behind me like as if he was trying to hold himself back from saying anything I didn't want to hear.

"Let's just test the waters for now.....and I think you're probably too restless to settle down this soon"  He explained.

"Rob shut up, you're making it worse" I snapped.

"Kristen...after what's happened, settling down should be the last thing from our minds. Do you even know what you want already?" He asked seriously. I refused to look at him, but his tone requires serious consideration.

"How'd you know what I want?" I asked to the empty space in front of me. I still refuse to look at him.

I waited for him to let go. He was still hugging me to him though. We're skin to skin already from top to bottom, but I feel like our hearts was never more apart than it ever was in this moment.

"I don't know what you want...hell, I don't even know what I want. Right now, let's just enjoy what we have right now..." He whispered.

Those were the last words he uttered before we both fell asleep in each others arms.

Right now is what we have.