Reflection

Pondering

After a couple of hours filled with talking and cheerful laughing the small dark room had finally fell silent.

Radar, Olivia, and Lukas had all warmly hugged Jesse good bye and promised softly that they would all be back soon.

As the wide door slowly closed, it cast a dark shadow across Jesse's thin pale face.

A small radiant smile was plastered on her soft cherry lips.

"We'll be back soon Jesse," Lukas said gently, his eyes sparkling with something Jesse couldn't decipher.

With that, he hesitantly closed the door and as soon as that happened Jesse's smile instantly faltered.

She leaned her head back against her cold pillow, she knew that visiting hours were over. Luckily, the sweet staff even let her friends stay later than usual, but now a deafening silence hummed faintly in Jesse's ears.

Allowing, her sorrowful thoughts to come clearly again.

Jesse glanced at the gray oxygen mask that was on the end table beside her and sighed deeply before turning her bored gaze to something else.

Jesse plainly glanced at the light gray iv on her finger before she slipped it off and carefully set it down on the small end table.

With no hesitation, Jesse quickly swung her legs over the small hospital bed and began making her way towards the tall door.

With the first labored step she took, she felt the world spin.

She clutched unto the glossy side rails and blinked steadily before taking a slow effortless breath.

Cautiously, Jesse made her way towards the door.

Her hand wrapped tightly around the shiny doorknob and it turned slowly as her hand twisted to the side.

A whoosh of cool air blew as Jesse hastily swung the door wide open.

A soft, warm white light ran down the empty and quiet halls. Wordlessly, Jesse wrapped her arms around herself.

Quietly, Jesse rapidly closed the creaking door behind her.

She flexed her gentle hand and took a small step forward when all of a sudden she stumbled.

Instinctively, Jesse's hands quickly grasped the wide silver rails that ran along the clean milk-colored wall.

Jesse breathed rapidly, catching her breath.

She knew what was happening. She was getting weaker.

Her delicate muscles were tense and Jesse's grip around the shiny bar tightened gradually.

Jesse barely glanced at the wide stairs at the end of the long hall before leisurely making her way down the quiet hall.

With each endeavoring step, Jesse felt really dizzy. The world would zoom in and out frequently, spin violently, and make everything blurry.

She continued to push herself until she made it to the large steel stairs.

With a loud inhalation, Jesse feebly took one wide steel step at a time. Her cold hand swiftly wrapped around the light gray handrail as she felt her locked knees shake.

Jesse exhaled quickly and cautiously took another step.

It wasn't long before Jesse had reached the peaceful rooftop and sat down sideways on a sturdy ebony bench.

Her disheveled dark brown hair swayed gently. The crisp air softly blowing across her cool pale skin.

Her legs were kept close to her chest, her stiff head weakly buried in between them.

The small beaming stars were like the tiny specks of sand, unable to number.

Jesse's hand's were trembling violently, her slim
body quivering uncontrollably.

Her poor vision was extremely blurry, her thin hand clutching her narrow light blue hospital gown.

She bit her tender trembling bottom lip and said to herself with a quiet, but shaky voice, "Your fine..your gonna be just fine.."

Jesse felt fresh tears swiftly welling up in her wide eye's and she blinked rapidly.

She felt as if she was trapped with her sorrows in an inescapable box. Everything she did would never be enough.

Jesse's breaths were labored, her fists balled up.

Nothing was ok! When had it ever been ok? Jesse wondered.

Jesse's foot hastily tapped against the bench, her short angsty deep breaths uneven and shallow.

The piercing wind gently blew, making what was left of her thinning caramel hair sway lightly.

She felt like she was in the darkest part of the ocean, unable to find the light that would save her from her troubles.

Whenever she felt like she was having a good day that was when it all came  crashing back down.

Jesse stiffened, her weak muscles tensing as a small beautifully-colored monarch butterfly landed on her pale leg.

Jesse silently gazed at it with wide glimmering eyes, it's brilliant wing's fluttering rapidly.

That was when it flew away, past Jesse.

She knew she didn't have much time left and the fact that she knew hurt her even more.

Jesse fiddled with the golden locket around her neck.

For some unknown reason, her cold hands and body was trembling like she had just been drenched with icy water.

Jesse's frail heart pounded quickly against her chest and she squeezed the beautiful golden locket around her neck tightly.

She just wanted more time. She didn't want to have to leave them.

Depsite what she did the other day, she just really wanted more time.

She didn't want to leave them. Heartbroken and glum.

She had experienced that pain herself. The agony where someone is gone. Ripped out of your life forever.

The guilt it leaves behind. The regrets, the denial, the indisputable tear it leaves in your fragile heart.

She knew that feeling all to well.

She really didn't want the others to feel that way. Not even in the slightest.

She didn't want them to grieve over her. Plus, she wanted to be there for them.

To tell them that it would be okay. That you'll get over it with enough time.

Sure maybe it'll tear you apart piece by piece, but who would be able to tell them that it would be okay?

Would Jesse even be able to tell them when she couldn't even look optimistically at her own future.

She knew other people's condolences wouldn't affect them in the slightest, but would her own heartfelt words be able to do something for them while she was still alive?

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What do you think the last paragraph means?

What do you think Jesse will do next?

See ya in the next chapter!