Saving Raven | ✔ |

-4-

 October 5 2013

[Two years after]

The memory of Alex that first day rips my aching and bleeding heart in a half. Two years have passed and too much had changed between us. I don't know why but after two years, I become a totally different person. I can't even recognize myself anymore.

I know I am strong and tough. Jesse even teased me that I am more masculine than him because according to him I have a lot of guts and I do all that I can to get what I want. He even teased me sometimes that I am a war freak because I love to pick up a fight with him even in small little things like arguing on what movie we will watch. Oh, Jesse! What have I'd done? Why did I lose myself? Why did I become weak and naïve? Is it love? Or is it just that I was stupid and didn't listen to you when you said run as fast as I can away from him?

I miss Ally and Belle. They are my best friends. No, they are more than that. They are my sisters.

I look at the broken clock beside me. It reads three in the morning and it is already Saturday. If this is not happening to me right now, I could still be sleeping with them on Ally's humongous queen size bed or we could still be watching some random horror movie and eating Belle's red velvet cake,

Only God knows how I miss our special Friday nights, when we always have slumber parties on Ally's place and talk nonstop about Belle's love life.

I was a complete idiot to throw that all away.     

I was a complete idiot to push them all away.

I know it's because I became too involved with Alex that slowly, without me even realizing it, I was pushing them all away.

And I hate myself for that.

I did that because Alex was so afraid that I will eventually leave him.

He was so afraid that someday, I will pack my bags and leave him all alone. He was afraid that I will be like his parents who abandoned him when he was still a baby and left him in the care of an orphanage. That and his insecurities were the reason why I stopped seeing and talking to Jesse and the girls. Alex thought that they could convince me to left him. So for him not to worry anymore, I decided to keep my distance away from my friends. Just to keep Alex happy, I sacrificed my friendship with them.

But it seems that he didn't saw what I did. He was so convinced I will leave him that he didn't saw that since day one I never left his side.

He didn't saw that I never stopped loving him.

I shiver. The coldness from the outside seeped through the floor and enveloped me in an icy cold embrace. The rain didn't stop its rage and continued to pour down like there is no tomorrow.

I try to adjust my left leg. I am already feeling my warm blood as it flows down from the wounds caused by the scratches and punches he made earlier and the little bits and pieces of broken glass. But a searing pain stops me in my tracks. I cannot stop myself from screaming because of the intense pain that I felt.

It is broken.

My legs are broken.

I cannot swim anymore.

All these things came crashing down on me. I know that I do not have any more tears to shed but it didn't stop me from grieving.

Like the howling rain outside, I poured every single pain and misery on that cry.

Swimming is my life.

And he took that away from me.

Just like how he took everything away from me.