Saving Raven | ✔ |

-2-

 October 5 2013

[Two years after]

Too much pain

It is all I can feel right now, as I lay on the hardwood floor. Hugging my shaking and beaten body to sleep, I continue to cry.

It's already one in the morning and yet, I am still lying here, like a pathetic child, all curled up in a fetal position and whispering to myself like a crazy woman.

It's going to be alright. It's going to be alright. It's going to be alright.

It's not going to be alright.

The voice inside my head whispers back and hard as I try not to believe it, I know it is the truth. It will never be again alright.

Death

That's my only hope.

It's my only chance to be free. Death is my only way out of this nightmare. It's my only way out of him,

My last chance away from Alex.

They say in order for you to know love, you should know first how to sacrifice. And I did that. I sacrifice all that I have.

Just for him.

He said he loved me, and I foolishly believed in him. He never hurt me like this before. He never uses a knife on me before. So, why now? What had I've done to him to treat me like this?

A loud rumble of thunder can be heard from the distance and the first few drops of rain starts pouring down. At that sound, I feel a shiver goes down to my spine.  It reminds me of his footsteps: The footsteps that signal that he's near.  He's near and he'll hurt me.

How long have I been lying like this? How long have I've been crying?

I let my bruised eyes wander as I slowly absorb the horrifying sight of my surroundings.

Thousands of things are lying there with me on the bloodstained floor: Broken pieces of glass, ripped bed sheets, broken CD's, destroyed cabinet, ripped pages of some long lost books, cans of beer, and a ripped picture of us.

My favorite picture of Alex and me, the one we took in our Junior Prom.

It was ripped in a half.

I am like them...I am like the pieces that was scattered on the floor.

Broken and shredded into tiny unrecognizable pieces that nothing or even no one can change us back the way we were.

No one can fix us.

The big gash on my cheeks is still open and letting a continuous flow of dark red liquid to flow across my face and enters my swollen mouth.

I want to throw up.

The taste of my own warm blood mixed with sweat and thick saliva sickens me to the core. It tastes like a rotten coppery candy. Sweet at first like some kind of a vanilla treat and then slowly becomes bitter...too bitter.

I heard another sound of thunder and this time a strong wind that billows my long dirty night gown accompanies it. The wind is so strong that in just a blink of an eye, the old window with its dust stained glass slams hard on the concrete wall.

A yelp of pain escapes my aching throat when some shreds of glass finds its way to my limbs and arms. I do not dare to look at the damage done by the glass to my already beaten and dead body. What is the point anyway? I know I will not last long, so why bother?

The room is pitch-black and the light from the moon and the constant lighting are the only one that provides the color and life to my prison-like room.

In this darkness, I know that I'm alone. No one will rescue me from this nightmare No one will help me out of this mess. No one will know if I survive after this night. No one will weep when I am dead. Somehow, I manage to lose them all. I lost them all when I lost myself and give everything to him.

And look where it got me.

Look at what he gave to me after I had given him everything that I have and everything that I am.

Tonight, he didn't stop after he called me a whore. He didn't stop after he spit on my face. Alex didn't stop when he punched me on my stomach.

No, he didn't stop when he raised his knife and drew an ugly jagged line on my cheek.

His anger was all that mattered to him tonight.

His anger and not me.

They say love can change your life. And actually, it is true if you think of it.

 But the love that I'd experience didn't just change my life. It changed the way how I interact with people. It changed how I see the world.

It changed me.

And that was my biggest mistake.

I become an idiot and believe in love.

A love that was full of vain and empty promises.

A love that was full of hurt and pain.