When You Realize You've Become 'That Mom'...and What Comes Next

32

Live with my parents? Live with my parents? Live.with.my.parents? The words ran through my mind beating away at the emptiness. Fighting against the hollow that had consumed me.

"No!" I screamed in anguish. "You wouldn't dare!" My breath unsteady. My hands trembled from the rage building up inside as emotions began to flood through me unshielded and unfiltered.

"You damn straight I would. You expect me to live in a world without you in it? I'd rather be in hell with you than to not have you with me." He paused, I wondered if he was gathering his strength. I wanted to scream and rage but I was stunned into silence.

"My life is your life. If you die, I would have nothing left but a hole where my heart used to be. I couldn't...no, I wouldn't live without you. So decide, right now. Live or die. I'm going with you wherever you go!" His voice cracked from the strain of his emotions.

"I..." my own words hung in my throat. "I don't want you to do that," the floodgates had opened and I was sobbing now. Tears drenched my shirt. My eyes were puffy and swollen. Thoughts raced through me.

Live.with.my.parents...
Charlie.gone...
Chris...what about Chris? What would happen to Chris?

Charlie...gone...because of me. Why? Why would he do this? Why would he throw everything away for someone like me? I couldn't understand. 

There are moments in a person's life when they come face to face with their inner demons. When they have to choose to fight or accept their failures. 

This moment would define the rest of the world for every person in that place I called home. I wanted to disappear but if I did, they would disappear as well. Charlie would be gone and Chris...he would grow up in a home filled with pain and hate. They would lament his existence as they had my own. 

Was I ready to go to the next place knowing that he was still here? Knowing that he would suffer like my brother and I had suffered? Maybe, it wouldn't be that way. Maybe things would be better. Maybe Charlie is lying. As that thought crossed my mind I searched his eyes. I searched them for the truth behind his words and the pain I saw etched across his features told me that he was serious. 

He would throw it all away. What a foolish man. 

"You're a fool!" I spat. I wanted to make him angry with me because at least if he was angry I could deal with that. I could process anger. Sorrow. I couldn't stand to see him sad.

"Woman...Cathy...my love...please...I need you to hear me. I need you to hear the words that I am saying to you. I love you. I would do anything for you. If this life didn't have you in it. If I knew that you were gone, there would be nothing left for me. I couldn't raise Chris knowing that you, his mother, abandoned him because you were sad. I would have no choice. Don't you understand we need you? I need you, Chris needs you and the baby you are carrying needs you." he sighed so heavily that I could feel the strain pushing off of his flesh and pouring into his words. He was visibly sobbing and I had never seen him for vulnerable before.

"I got you the doula. Call her, tell her what you are going through. She can help you I promise. If she can't, we will find someone else. I won't let you give in to this despair. I won't let you leave knowing that you are leaving because you don't believe in yourself because I believe in you." he paused for long enough to see if I was still listening. 

"Look, I know that you are scared. OK? I am scared too. It wasn't easy watching you go through that. I had so helpless...so powerless. I would move mountains for you. Tell me what you need and I will get it and if I can't I will find someone who can. Tell me what you need,"

I looked at him and the fear, and the nothingness drifted into a small corner of my heart. It swelled with hope. Charlie was always an amazing person. He is a wonderful man and this man standing right in front of me would do anything for me. What does that mean?

"I can't call her, what would she think of me?"

"She would think that you are human and that you are scared. She would think that you need her and she would come to support you. She would think that you would get through this because you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. She would be what I can't be," his face turned into a frown. Such sorrow emanated from him.

"Fine," I said a little less aggressively than I had thought it would sound. "I'll call her but if she refuses to see me, I will leave,"

"You will not," he said firmly. "If she refuses to see you she isn't worth the time and I will find you someone else. I promise you, I will find you, someone to help you get through this,"

I set my suitcase on the ground and walked over to the phone. I dialed her number while wiping the tears from my eyes. "Tami," I said trepidatiously when she answered the line. "I'm in a bad place,"

I held my breath as I waited for her to respond. I waited for her to judge me. I waited for her to tell me that I was weak and that I shouldn't call her for such things. 

"Would you like for me to come over Cathy?" she said softly on the other end of the line?

"You would come here to see me?" I asked her stunned. I could almost hear her smiling on the other end.

"Of course, that's what I am here for. Listen, Cathy," she paused for a moment. "You are entering a challenging time in your pregnancy. The last time you were this far along you were hospitalized. It is perfectly normal to be afraid. If you would like for me to come over, I can be there in an hour and we can sit and have some tea and you can tell me what's on your mind. How does that sound?"

I stammered a bit. The shock of her words left me speechless. "I...I"

"It's OK, I'll see you in an hour." and with that, she hung up the phone as I stood there holding the phone to my ear trying to process what just happened. Without my awareness, Charlie had taken the phone from my hand and set it down. He wrapped me in an embrace and we remained like this for a few moments. 

It was only after the embers of my mind had died down that I could hear the soft sobbing in the next room. "Chris," I cried.

"Go to him," Charlie said softly. I dashed out of the bedroom and made my way to my precious boy.

-------------->>> Author's Note: 

A little early, yes I know, It's my birthday today so why not celebrate with a chapter. ;)