When You Realize You've Become 'That Mom'...and What Comes Next

11- I want to get a job

"I want to get a job," I told Charlie when it was just the two of us. He looked at me with his deep hazel eyes.

"I can provide for us," there was a sadness in his voice as his gaze fell on me with such deepness that I felt consumed by it. 

"I know, I just need to get out of this house and working will help me with that," I sounded whiny and lamented my inability to express myself. 'How am I supposed to communicate with him what I am going through without him feeling like he has failed me somehow? How can I tell him that I need to discover who I am before I become who I don't want to be?' My eyes fell to the ground. 

"What about Chris?" he asked. I knew what he was doing. I knew that he knew how much the thought of something happening to Chris weighed on me. I didn't want Chris to find himself keeping someone's secrets in the room at the end of the hall as I had done. I didn't want someone to rob him of his innocence and I trusted no one. He was right to ask the question. The question needed to be answered. It needed to be addressed and resolved. 'What about Chris?'

"I can put him into daycare," I said the words but I doubted my own conviction. I didn't trust anyone. 'Would putting him into daycare serve any real purpose?'  

"Wouldn't you be working just to pay for his daycare?" he asked. It was a simple question but again, there was merit in it. What he wasn't understanding was the need, the desire to understand who I was supposed to be after my world crashed around me. 'Who am I today?' Was I willing to sacrifice everything to try something that might be doomed to fail?

I knew he was right but that wasn't the point. In the three years that I had been a stay at home mom, I struggled to find myself. I was lost and didn't know who I was anymore. I had no friends and for the most part, it had been just Chris and me since Charlie was working the third shift. He was always tired during the day. 

Chris needed to get out and build relationships. He only had two friends but their mother was a nightmare. 

The nightmare woman that almost destroyed my marriage. 

I still remember the first time she negatively influenced me and it made me cringe. "Cathy," Mrs. Mean Girl said smoothly. I looked up at her, she towered over me at 5'7" and her short blond hair was brushed in her face. Her deep blue eyes pierced into me. "You know he isn't good for you," she said. The way her words rang in my ear. The melody was so smooth. It was so familiar that I found myself believing what she said. 

"He doesn't help you around the house, he sleeps all day, does he even spend time with Chris?" she asked.

"Not that much but he works the third," I responded still not fully able to break from the spell she had cast on me.

"That isn't an excuse. You may not think you deserve it but Chris deserves better than him. He deserves a father who is present," her words came out like a command.

"He deserves a father who is present," I repeated.

"That's right," she said, a smile curling across her lips. "You need to leave him,"

"I need to leave him," I repeated. She beamed. I couldn't see it. Her voice, her melody so familiar so comforting. 

"Call him right now and tell him you aren't coming home, you can stay with me." There was no room for argument in her words. I found myself picking up my phone and I dialed his number. Tears streamed down my face.' I don't know who I am anymore.' I was sitting in this hopeless void of emptiness unsure of what I was supposed to do or who I was supposed to be.  

It was as though I had lost the ability to identify myself. The face in the mirror wasn't mine. 'Who is this?'  I was a shell. The melody rang in my head "You are doing the right thing, be strong," she whispered into my ear. 

"Be strong," I repeated as the phone rang. 

"Hello," Charlie answered.

"Hey," I said. My strength was wavering. 

"Be strong," she whispered.

"This isn't working out between us. I'm leaving you," I said flatly.

"What? Where is this coming from?" he asked in shock.

"You aren't good for me or Chris, you are never here and frankly Chris deserves better!" I found myself getting angry. 'Why am I getting angry?'

"What the hell babe, where the fuck is this coming from? Where are you?" the agitation in his words was breaking the spell. The melody was fading from my mind. 

"I'm not home and I am not coming home. I am leaving you," I spat, the last flickers of the spell breaking. 

"The hell you are, where are you? Tell me right the fuck now!" he was furious and I felt his frustration like a sting in my chest.

"I'm at Mrs. Mean Girl's house, and I am not coming home. I am staying with her," I spat. I hung up the phone and tears were falling freely from my eyes. Such weakness. Old Cathy would be ashamed of who I had become. I was a tragic loser and my marriage was ending after just two years. Shame.

The phone rang.

"Don't answer it," she demanded. I listened and ignored the call.

It rang again and again and again. Text messages had started to pour in. The phone rang and rang. "Turn it off," she demanded.

I couldn't turn it off. If I turned it off I would be resigning myself to this fate and there was a small part of me that was screaming at myself from the inside. I was raging against this pathetic excuse for a Cathy and that part of me was demanding that she pick up the fuck.ing phone. 

"What!" I spat as I answered the phone. I heard her sigh heavily behind me.

"Why the FUCK did you hang up on me?" he asked with a rage.

"I already told you!" I screamed into the phone and hung up again.

He called me back again and again and again until I answered yet again. 

We did this back and forth for about 30 minutes before he finally wore me down. Deep down I wanted him to wear me down. I didn't want this...not really.

"Fine, I will come home but only to get my shit," I spat. I wanted it to sound real but I could feel the insistency oozing off of my desperate words. 'What was happening to me?'

"Fine, I'll come to get you I'm already on my way," he said with a little calmer in his voice.

Mrs. Mean Girl looked at me with disgust. "I can't believe you are going to go crawling back to him after all of this,"

"I'm not, but he deserves an opportunity to have his say," 'That made sense. Didn't it?'

"No, he doesn't. He's a loser," she said with disgust. I suddenly felt disgusted but there was still a hold on me. I didn't know what to believe. 

I thanked her for letting me stay there. When he arrived to pick us up I packed up Chris and we left. The drive home was silent. He was so mad that his knuckles were white on the steering wheel. I held my breath for what felt like an eternity.

My entire world was crashing down in front of me and I didn't know how I would find my way out. Despair...

I'm brought back from my memories. 

I knew that I needed this. If I could go back to work I could find myself. The only problem, I only had one option. If I wanted to work I was going to have to work for Mrs. Mean Girl. 

Yup...she was my only open door and if I wanted to find out what I was made of I was going to have to take door number 1.

Charlie sighed heavily. "If that's what you want I'll support you," 

With those words, I set out to embark upon my journey as a working mom working for...you guess it...Mrs. Mean Girl.