When You Realize You've Become 'That Mom'...and What Comes Next

10

I started my new job and within 6-months the old company that I worked for offered me a Manager position at one of their new locations. I would now be the same position as Mrs. Mean Girl. To make things even better, the company was selling off her property so she was going to go under new management. 

To say that she was pissed off would be an understatement. I think that if she could squash me like a bug and rub me off of the bottom of her shoe she totally would have. The tensions between her and I only grew once I was the same level as her and we were making the same amount of money. 

I often found myself wondering if that is what she saw when she looked at me...a bug to be crushed. When I looked at her, I saw someone that tried to take everything away from me but if I am being honest with myself, I had allowed her to have that kind of power. It was freely given.

Things, it seemed, would be this way for a long time. I couldn't find myself. This internal struggle within me was reaching its catalyst. As I sat in my bedroom reflecting on this next chapter I was about to embark upon I couldn't help but find myself looking back to when Chris was only 1-years old. 

My mother-in-law had been asked to come out to Hawaii to live with us. She was going to 'Help me out'. The problem with that plan had not been obvious at the time. We all had thought it was a good idea. She would resign from her job, pack up her bags and move in with us forever.

We were naive. 

Her arrival was a joyous occasion. In her mind, she was beginning a new and exciting journey. She had been through so much in her life. The father of her children had left her so cruelly that she thought she would never recover from it. Yet she had. Somewhere along the way she was able to find someone else but it would seem that love was not meant for her.

That relationship had failed as well and with its failure, a pang in her chest ached dully over the course of the years. Charlie had become a man and made the decision to join the service. Her heart swelled with pride at his sacrifice. He was such a bright young man and she knew that he would achieve great things.

The day he introduced me to her was a day she had prayed for. She wanted her son to find happiness, to find his soulmate. He deserved happiness even if happiness and companionship had evaded her. 

Our call ignited something within her, it was a higher calling. The Lord had blessed her with a grandchild and now He had blessed her with the ability to watch him grow up. Leaving everything behind was a small sacrifice. 

Her future was just beginning and the plane ride was a gentle reminder of the new chapter she was getting ready to embark upon. Her firstborn son had invited her into his home and asked her to become a part of his family. Her joy knew no bounds. Her fears of rejection trickled into the background of her subconscious. 

He would never reject her, she knew this in her heart. Yet, there was a part of her that trembled with fear at the possibility of things not working out. What would she do if he were asked to choose? What would she do if he didn't choose her? Could she handle that kind of rejection from the person she gave her world too?

These thoughts that lingered in the back of her mind festered quietly. She was unaware of their existence as she smiled aboard the plane 'Today, is the first day of the rest of my life.' she thought to herself as she closed her eyes for the long journey before her.

"I'm so glad to be here" she smiled as she hugged Charlie and then me once she met us at baggage claim. 

I smiled a genuine smile, completely unaware of what the future had in store for us. I was oblivious to the struggles that would find our small family and as I hugged her my mind was at ease. 

"We are so glad you are here as well. Thank you for coming." I said in a joyful tone. My heart was calmed because I believed that this is what we needed. We needed someone to help so that I could find a way to stop being sad. 

She looked at me with a smile on her face but under her smile, there was something else there just under the surface. Her eyes had caught the fakeness of my smile. The soulless way that I gazed upon her was not lost in her light brown eyes. She had seen it for what it was and that small gesture sparked something within her that she hadn't identified at the time. Doubt.

As time passed her doubt grew. She found herself questioning my motivations. She didn't know about the depression. She didn't fully understand about the complicated pregnancy. What she knew was that I had let myself go and I was sad all of the time. 

Her confusion over my behavior left her lost and uncertain. Hadn't she prayed for me? Wasn't I supposed to be a gift to her son? Hadn't she sacrificed enough for her boys? Shouldn't he be happy right now? Why did he seem so unhappy? Was it my fault? 'Maybe Cathy is to blame' she began to reason.

The doubt festered and grew, its vines of discontent covered over her heart and the more it grew the more protective of him she had become. "You are not treating him right" she would claim. Her words harsh and cruel. Her tone biting and laced with threats. 

The tone with which she had delivered her claim was not lost on me. My sorrow grew rather than dissipate and as it grew, hopelessness set in. I would not ask Charlie to choose between us because I knew how much she had endured to raise him.

Yet, there was no way that I would be able to endure this, this dance between the 3 of us that was laced with ill intent and mistrust. I watched her when she spoke with him. She hadn't seen me there.

"She's manipulating you" she'd say.

"No she isn't" Charlie would reply as he attempted to placate her. He knew that I wasn't the woman that he married but he was invested. He didn't want to give up on us. He wouldn't give up on us, not like this. Not after what he had witnessed. 

"You don't see what I see," her words were meant to bring clarity to her son. She wanted to open his eyes to her truth. I was broken and unworthy of his love. 

"That's right, and you don't see what I see," was his reply. I wanted to smile at his words but instead, I found myself wondering what did he see. Maybe she was right and he was wrong. 

Her goal had always been to protect her son, was this any different? 

The next evening I invited her to walk with me.

"I know we haven't gotten along..." I started. 

She looked at me, deciding how she wanted to respond. In her mind, she had resolved that she was making the right decision. I wasn't right for her son and she would make sure that he saw what she saw. 

"You aren't right for my boy," she said flatly.

"You're right," I said deadpan.

Her eyes lifted to mine. She hadn't anticipated my reply. My words stung her deeper than she would have thought that they could.

"...That's why I'm leaving him..."

--------------->>>Author's Note:

In this Chapter, I attempted to get into the headspace of my mother-in-law a bit. I hope I did it justice. Let me know your thoughts.