Monsters...

Chapter 2

There's no color here. Just black and white. Like a Ying Yang. One cannot exist without the other. A heart cannot function without, just like a body wouldn't function without a heart. The monster can't live without her, and who would she be without the monster?

Another nameless face in the crowd.

Just another "crazy".

I don't even remember half the things I do. It's all a blur to me now.

It's been months since the accident. It re-plays over and over in my minds eye. A never ending horror movie. Only this time, it isn't fictional, nor does it end in two hours.

It's a demon that haunts me day in and day out. The flashing lights, the blurry images of that night, if I could draw, I'd draw every single detail of that night.

That horrid stench of death that follows me. It drives me mad!

Even when I'm far from home I can smell the Angel of death as if he were coming for me. And I hoped to any higher power that It would come for me.

It wouldn't be condemnation, it'd be salvation. Freedom. Saved from the screams that pulse inside my mind. But even then, I doubt I'd escape this torment.

Sometimes when the thoughts are so loud, when the chanting won't stop, I pull out the only soothing antidote.

Mother never even notices when I creak past her room, take the steps down to the kitchen and pull out her bottle of rum. I take a glass with me, I don't know why, I never use a glass, I just chug. But maybe I should use a glass, just to make this bliss last me a bit longer.

The bottle in hand I walk right back up the steps, past mother's room, and walk into mine locking the door behind me.

Walking into my room reminds me that this place really is my sanctuary.

No matter how loud the screams are, everything seems less painful inside my room. The posters of my favorite bands, Asking Alexandria, Bring me the horizon, and many more just make me feel a bit safer. Like nothing could ever touch me in here.

I place the glass on my chipped fake wooded desk. This is the way I cope, the way for me to drown my demons like a favorite band of mine say. Too bad they know how to swim.

I want to believe my lies that this rum will help, I know it won't, but for the time being, what else can I do?

The only way for me to dull the noise of the car tires screeching, the big crash before everything went black and I lost everything.

In one week exact will be five months since the death of my friend,

my role model,

my world,

my protector,

my blood and flesh,

my brother Damien.

I clench my teeth as my heart squeezes in my chest at his memory.

The tears threaten to come out again. But I hold them in as tightly as I can, take deep even breaths.

"Just take another swig Valerie" I told myself.

That's not all I lost on that day. I lost my mother too. Yes she's alive, at least, but her eyes are empty hollows.

There's no one there anymore, like an empty house, vacant.

She's lost in another world and she wishes to not return.

Sometimes I don't see her for days at a time. And only for a few seconds.

Could I blame her? Why would she want to see me?

She blames me for the death of her first born. As if it didn't hurt me just as much.

I lift the bottle to my dry lips as I ponder all the events that plunged my life into a deeper abyss of darkness. A tear escape the corner of my eye. Then more come out faster and fatter. I rub my face from the wetness, my face blotchy, now an angry red. The anger that burns in me hot as a volcano. I could burn someone just with my eyes. I can't hold on any longer to myself. I just let the monster take over and let me black out. It's always better this way. I'll let the monster cry, the monster pound and rage like a hurricane. Mourning the loss of everything I loved, ripped right out under me.

Everything wasn't fine before, but Damien made everything better. He was everything to me. I can't help but to think, was it really my fault?

Did I really cause the accident?

My throat constricts, I can't breathe. I know I always ruin everything, I can never have something good. I always manage to ruin it by myself, I don't need anyone's help to accomplish that.

I'm a monster.

I destroy things. Now I pay the consequences. An expensive one.

My tongue starts itching for the relieving taste of the rum in my hand.

Ill let myself fade, tomorrow is another day to torment myself.

"Let go Valerie" I told myself.

I let go of myself and feel my mind float off to a place no monster can ever reach me.