Back to You

Ch.21

A/N: Here is some more ... Enjoy!

"The best thing I ever did with my life was becoming a father. There isn't anything in this world that could ever compare to being a father to some of the best kid's on this planet. When you were born, my world completely changed. I already had girls and added another with Lizzie but on the same day I got you, my son.  You were the one who I was going to teach how to play baseball, the one who I was going to be able to play in the dirt and rough house with. I was going to teach you how to treat a woman, I wanted to teach you to be a better man than me." He looked to Dickie and found him starring directly back at him. "I'd like to think that I accomplished most of the things that I wanted to do, but I know I wasn't perfect. I worked crazy hours and missed a lot of school functions, but don't think for one second it was because I didn't love you, or didn't want to spend time with you. Being around you, and your brother and sisters, are the happiest times in my life."

Dickie took in everything his Father had just said before responding. "Is it different with Noah? Do you feel differently about him than you do about us?"

"No. I love him just the same as I love you. There is a difference though," he trailed off to look at Dickie's face, trying to gauge a reaction. "The schedule I have now allows me to be around more and spend more time with Noah than I was able to with you, and I wish I would have had this job back then. At my age, I am really trying to capture every moment I can with Noah and every milestone because this will probably be the last baby I'll watch grow into an adult. I regret all of the things I missed out on and not being able to fully enjoy every little thing, but the memories I have with you and your siblings are the ones I hold the closest to my heart. Now that I have steady hours and a lot more free time, and with Noah, I hope that you and I will become closer, as well as your siblings."

Dickie reached out and rested a hand on Elliot's shoulder "We know you love us, Dad. I think we could all work a little harder to bring us closer together. Growing up, it was hard that you weren't around like most kids' parent's but we understood that you had an important job to do. You were my hero back then ... you still are."

Elliot looked to his son and recognized the sincerity in his eyes and voice and it felt like a burden was lifted from his shoulders. He had always carried around the regret and sadness that he let his children down and was happy to know that they did understand and that they knew he loved them with all he had.

Dickie dropped his arm from his Father's shoulder "So you and Olivia versus you and Mom?"

Elliot took a deep breath and looked down at his hands "What Olivia and I have is just different than what I had with your mom. Your mother and I were stuck in a situation where marriage and building a life together was the best option. We were young and in love with a baby on the way, but I don't regret any of it because I got you and your brother and sisters out of it. I truly did love her and a part of me always will. We had a good life together and we made some really great memories."

"So what's different between that, and what you and Liv have?" Dickie asked, genuinely wanting to know.

"When we were partnered together, in the beginning it was strictly professional and let me be clear: I never cheated on your mother with her. I could never do that ... to either of them." Dickie nodded his head in understanding and Elliot continued, "The things we saw every day on the job, they change you. I didn't want to bring that home to you guys, so that left me with Olivia to turn to. She understood me and what I was dealing with, but it was so much more than that. She accepted all of the things about me, things your mother never truly understood. It wasn't her fault, it was mine. I wasn't an open person back then. The more Olivia and I learned about each other, the closer our bond became and I fell for her. She was, and is, my best friend. We have history and heart ache that only we can understand. When I left SVU, the way that I missed her," he sighed and shook his head "It was like I was missing my other half. Not a single day went by that I didn't think of her ... where I didn't miss her so much that I physically hurt, but I knew that I needed to try to make my marriage work for my kids' sake."