This Is Me

Suffocating (Part One)

Suffocating (Part One)

My heart continued to thump wildly in my chest, and I could hear the blood pumping in my ears until I pulled into my house's driveway. The humming of the radio was barely noticeable as I thought back to Leroy's house and the scene that had unfolded.

The booming sound of Leroy's dad's voice echoed around the room, filled with a wave of anger, unlike any I had heard before. The way Leroy trembled and shrunk away from his father. Away from me. I had never seen Leroy look that scared before—or anyone look that scared, for that matter.

Why had he been so angry? Did he see what I almost did? Did he see me leaning in?

The questions kept circling my head as I continued to sit in my car, staring toward my house, and I thought back to the moments leading up to Leroy's dad coming home. The kiss that I had almost shared with Leroy. The one that would have been the biggest mistake of my life. Perhaps it already was.

Maybe I hadn't pulled away in time, and his dad saw. While I hated to think about it, it would explain the words directed at me, and even the anger.

I had no idea why I'd kept leaning in, and why the hell would I even think Leroy was leaning in, too? He's straight and in a relationship with Grace. He was happy, and I almost ruined everything. As much as I hated to say it, I was glad his dad had come in when he had, which made me loathe myself even more. How could I be glad about what had happened? About what was, no doubt, still happening.

Though I had no idea why he would be so angry at Leroy. He hadn't done anything. It was all me.

"I'm a horrible fucking person," I mumbled to myself, slamming my hand on my car's steering wheel, before shutting the engine off.

With many questions still rattling around in my head, I grabbed my bag and got out of my car, and began slowly walking toward my house, playing the afternoon over in my head.

While it had taken forever for it to be over, I couldn't help but want to go back. Back to before Leroy's dad came home. Before we had almost kissed. When everything was perfect. When I was right where I wanted to be.

Sighing to myself, I reached my front door and opened it, stepping into the entrance hall of my home and closing the door behind me, unsure of what to do. I knew dinner was still going to be another hour or so, but I didn't want to be alone in my room like I usually was. Part of me wanted to call Andy or Blaire, but was that fair on Leroy? What if they didn't know what was happening? It wasn't my place to tell them.

Even if I did ring Blaire and only told her about the kiss I had almost shared with Leroy, I knew that would only cause more questions which would no doubt lead to the entrance of Leroy's father.

The thought to call Leroy also crossed my mind, but I knew that was a bad idea before I even finished the thought. God knows I would only make things worse.

Groaning to myself, I made my way to the end of the hall and up the stairs, trying to stop my brain from replaying the screams of Leroy's father as I'd left his house. Maybe if Leroy had known who I was, this wouldn't have happened. Then again, maybe being me was the reason this had happened as I thought back to Leroy's father's words.

'People like you are fucking pathetic.'

He had to have seen me leaning in to kiss Leroy. There was no other explanation as to why he would say that.

The words resonated with me, and I couldn't help but feel dread. I was tired of hiding who I was, and I knew that being myself would be a great weight off my shoulders if my telling Blaire had been any indication, but it could also be the worst decision I make.