This Is Me

Afraid (Part Two)

Afraid (Part Two)

It was odd seeing someone who had just broken someone else's nose become so vulnerable so quickly. But here I was, looking at a broken Leroy.

"You okay?" I asked, doing my best to stay somewhat coherent.

"That's my line," Leroy said with a soft chuckle, though it seemed there was no humour in his eyes.

He seemed so broken and lost. The glimpses I had caught of him and the little moments we rarely had never gave me enough time to see how bad it had gotten for him.

"Too bad," I mumbled. "I want to help."

"I know," he whispered, and I felt him shuffle a little closer to me.

All I wanted was for Leroy to be close to me, though I didn't know if it would make things worse. That was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want him to let his walls down only for his father to make him build them back up again.

Yet, here I was, making no effort to move away and reset the boundaries he had put up. Instead, I let my body stay limp next to Leroy, and soon our knees were touching, and he stopped moving closer.

Skin-on-skin contact. One of the things that got us into this situation in the first place.

Leroy's gaze drifted down to our knees and stayed there for a moment. He remained silent, rubbing his bloody hand which sat in his lap, staining his school uniform.

"It's okay if you're still angry with me," Leroy finally broke the silence. His voice was no louder than a whisper.

"I'm not," I said, pushing past the pain in my jaw and stomach. "Jus' worried."

"I know. I'm worried, too. I'm always worried. Afraid." Leroy paused for a second, his hands still folding over each other continually. "Feels like I don't belong anywhere."

"I know the feeling," I mumbled before adding, "not that—you know, my—I was—"

"Pete, stop. You'll hurt yourself," Leroy muttered cutting me off. "I get what you mean. But, yeah, this is different."

"I'm sorry."

"No. Don't be, Pete. It was fine, sort of... and then I tried to kiss you."

My mind went blank at Leroy's words, and though it was painful, my mouth gaped. Leroy's hands were no longer fiddling with each other but sitting in his lap shaking.

Leroy had tried to kiss me.

Yes, I knew he liked me, but I never thought he had acted on it in any way. I thought it had all been me. Which meant I hadn't imagined things when I thought he was leaning in at the same time I was.

"Pete?"

I snapped out of my thoughts and noticed that Leroy was looking at me again, and, God, it was painful no longer seeing the light in his eyes.

"Sorry, I—I thought it had just been me."

"Oh." The exclamation escaped Leroy's mouth as he glanced down at his hands and then back to me. "You tried too...?" Leroy trailed off, though I still nodded at his unfinished question.

"I thought it was my fault at first... everything."

"No. No, Pete. It... it's been bad for a while. He's known for a while. He's made it very clear he doesn't want a gay son."

"But what about what you want?" I asked, starting to feel as though my consciousness was slipping with each word.

"I don't know. I guess I'm still figuring that out. Look, that afternoon at my house was a mistake. And I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to. But... Look, I had been staying at Andy's for a while, and that's because I'd come out to my dad. He could barely look at me. He yelled and pushed and... that's why he yelled when he saw us. Why he yelled about the door. He's the reason there are holes in the walls."

Leroy paused again, and I reached over to place my hand on his knee. His eyes followed it and lingered.

I wanted to say something. Anything. But nothing was coming to my mind. All I could do was gently rub my thumb on his knee.

Because that helps with everything.

"He's all I have, Pete," Leroy whispered after a few minutes of silence, wiping his eyes while keeping his eyes on my hand. "I thought that I could be who he wanted me to be. I tried so hard. I did everything I could to try and get him to see me as his son again. For a while, it worked."

"Grace?" I asked softly.

"I hated myself every single day that I was with her because I know it was wrong. But when I told my dad we were together, it felt like I had a home again—like I had my dad back.

"Then, I almost kissed you, and it put me back to square one. I just wanted to be normal. And I can't do that if I'm around you."

As Leroy continued to speak, his words became weaker and more broken as tears flowed from his eyes. Each word carved a larger hole in my chest and sent guilt snaking around my body. Every moment that I looked at him, after every word he said, I began to realise more and more why he looked so drained. So broken.

"And I know I've told you this before but I was angry then. I didn't mean to take it out on you, but I'm just... I'm so angry all the time."

"Roy..."

"Then I broke up with Grace and things got worse again and... I don't know what to do."

There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn't know where to begin, or even how to find the words. I wanted to apologise. Apologise for everything. Give him some words of comfort.

Anything.

But I couldn't. How do I find the words for a situation like this?

Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I followed Leroy's gaze to my hand.

"How much does Andy know?" I asked quietly.

"Everything. I used to stay at his house when it got really bad but that makes things worse, you know? And there's just... there are times when I—"

"Please don't finish that sentence," I muttered, dreading the words Leroy was going to say.

All the pain slithering its way through my body would be nothing compared to hearing what was going to come out of his mouth.

"Okay."

Leroy's voice broke, and I lifted my head as he lifted his and our eyes locked. Both of us stared at each other through tears, and I finally found some words to say.

"Don't know how much this will mean, but he isn't all you have. You'll always have me. Andy and Blaire. Know it's not the same, but it's somethin'."

Leroy nodded. "I know."

"We'll always be here. I'll always be here. Whenever you're ready. Whenever you need."

I pulled my hands away from Leroy's and wiped my eyes and he did the same.

"I need time... I need to—"

"I get it," I cut Leroy off.

I wished all of this meant Leroy would come into his own, but I knew it didn't. He needed to figure things out for himself, and I didn't know how long that would take. I wanted it to all be better for him, how it was for me, but I didn't get a say in that.

Looking at Leroy now, I knew there was truly nothing that I could do except hang onto the words Andy had spoken to me a month ago.

"I don't doubt that there's going to come a time when he is gonna need you. I hope you'll be there when it comes."

And I was going to be there.