The Moon on a Frozen Lake

3: Buried

Before it got tangled and spiraled out of control,

I spun every thread of my emotions into a neat little ball.

One night, at that darkest hour before sunrise,

I buried it, looked up, and saw lavender skies.

-- J., 2017

Why did he do that?

Why did he volunteer to make a stranger his responsibility?

Sometimes, even Jihoon couldn't understand himself. His father always said he was too impulsive. Too reckless. Too temperamental.

To be successful, a man had to reel in his emotions with stern logic.

No matter how much he wanted to prove his father wrong, time and time again, he failed.

Case in point: what happened today.

Jihoon jammed his thumb against the unlock button on his car key with unnecessary force.

As if in protest, his car, or more precisely the car his company lent him, let out a prolonged beep. Jumping back, he dropped the key.

"Oh for god's sake!"

Exhaling a drawn-out puff of air, he bent down to retrieve it. Then, Jihoon opened the door and got in, shivering as he turned on the engine. Surely, he was a fool.

No matter how much he failed, he never learned.

Didn't he flee--- no, not flee.

Didn't he pursue better opportunities outside the US to start afresh? Once he got to China, didn't he promise not to get involved with anyone until he fixed his mess of a life? Yet, here he was again doing the exact opposite of what he had planned. First, by trying to pursue Yiwen, who was not only his subordinate but was also already in a relationship. Then with Yingyue, who he was using as a distraction to postpone having to confront his issues.

God, he was a jerk the way he was intending to use others.

A jerk and a fool.

Jihoon pounded the steering wheel. This time, he accidentally hit the car horn. He jerked back, muttering a curse.

"Goddammit!" What was wrong with him? He got what he wanted, didn't he?

Jihoon yanked on the seatbelt. It took several tries and a few more choice words before he finally heard a click. Leaning back against the seat, he closed his eyes and tuned in to the sound of his breathing.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Everything's gonna be alright.

His breath hitched. All at once, he was flooded with images.

Her voice. And the phrase she so often whispered.

Everything's gonna be alright.

Whispered into his ear, her hands on his chest. Her lips on his brow. And the way she dug her fingers on his back every time they kissed.

"Leila."

Jihoon squeezed his eyes tighter.

He hadn't said her name in so long. The syllables tasted of honeyed poison. So tempting, yet so lethal. His throat constricted. The muscles on his stomach clenched. In the darkness, he saw her starlit eyes and dimpled smile.