Late Night Thoughts

4 | I'm Proud of You

"I'm proud of you."

This is one such sentence which we crave to hear from our loved ones, or our seniors. Be it any strata of our life, there will always be a moment, where all that matters is this sentence.

I recently had my convocation ceremony. It's still weird to me how we get our degrees after a full whole year of graduation. The highlight of the day wasn't the countless fun moments or the nostalgia of coming back to my alma mater, but rather, it was the proud faces of my parents, my teachers and my friends. It was enough validation for me. All my hard work over the past three years had paid off, and I was on cloud nine to see them all happy. Their happiness, gave me happiness.

Since childhood, I've always been the kind of student who works hard in silence, and whose goal is to make their parents proud. That's all I have ever wanted. I've never been a teacher's pet, or a boss's pet, yet I've always been noticed and appreciated. So when in the end I'd get comments like- You've done well, You've made the school proud, You've made us proud, etc, I'd be on top of the world. Screw the awards and accolades. For me, seeing them all proud is far better a reward.

The only setback: I've never been proud of my own self. Not until now. I'll tell you why.

I was so busy making others proud, that I forgot to nurture my own soul. All I ever worked for was others. Not myself. Everything I did, be it excelling in school & college or in relationships and friendships, it was for others. I'd hate myself when I failed to do so. I'd hate it when I'd get low grades (low for me anyway), or when I'd hurt others, or when I would fall behind in the race of success.

2018 was one such year. I had hit my lowest then. Yes, I had been suicidal before, but last year, was the darkest year ever. When I had finished college, I thought my life was all set. I had applied to colleges for Masters, my final exams had gone great, I was in a happy relationship, etc. But all of a sudden, life fell apart. I got rejected from the college I had really wanted, and this happened just a day after I broke up. Double the trauma, aye? I had given up the colleges I had gotten into, simply for that one college I didn't get into. So you see, everything was taken away from me. All my plans failed. I felt like a failure. Every time someone asked me or my parents what I was up to, I could only say I was taking a gap year. For me, it was a legit reason. But for the society? It was a boo-hoo. A graduate sitting at home, wasting a year. I could literally see the sadness and disappointment in my parents' faces, however much they tried to hide. They did support me. They did encourage me. They did help me come out of this dark phase. But I still felt like a failure.

Just how there's light at the end of the tunnel, I too got some at the end of the year. I studied hard, gave more entrance exams, passed them and now, I have a secure near future. The night before my convocation, I was up, thinking. I reflected on this year that had passed. How after all these turbulences, I was still here, alive and most importantly, happy. And for the first time in my life, I felt proud. Proud of myself. Proud of having made through the darkest patches in my life till date, proud of not having given up when I felt like doing so, and proud for having made myself happy.

You see, that sentence is great when you hear it from someone else. But sometimes, you need to hear it from your own soul. That's the maximum gratification. Self-love. Self-awareness. Self-pride. Love yourself, and be proud of how far you have come and who you've become in the process/journey.

So dear Sonakshi, I'm proud of you.

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