You see, I was gay and Josh knew that all too well. He had read through my messages to my ex-boyfriend only a few weeks after we had moved into the Sidemen house and he held that power over me, the threat of releasing it to everyone. To keep it a secret I had to put up with his screaming, the physically abuse and eventually, the sexual abuse too.
That morning, sitting at the kitchen bench with no one else in the house but Josh, was the first time it ventured into sexual abuse. He didn't take it far, really just kissing, biting down on my neck and masturbating behind me, but 2 months later it had turned into full on rape.
He didn't even try to stop me screaming anymore, there was no one who could hear me. And every time he left me wrecked, curled up in a ball on his or my bed or on the floor, where ever he attacked me, and he left me broken.
Half the time I could barely walk, my legs and torso were covered in bruises and there was almost permanent fingerprint bruises on my waist from where he held me down. It left me completely destroyed.
By the time the KSI vs Joe Weller boxing match rolled around it was 6 months after he had first raped me and I was a completely different person. I didn't even try to fight him anymore. I considered telling someone, letting him spill my secret but to me, people finding out was much worse than what he was doing to me.
Two weeks before the fight. JJ was out training and Simon had gone with him for support. Lachlan was asleep on the floor above, he had just gotten off his flight and was exhausted but with him in the house I thought I would be safe. I thought Josh wouldn't risk doing anything when he could be caught by the one person who I couldn't lie to directly. If he asked me what the hell had happened then he would find out.
I was falling asleep at my desk, again. I barely slept in my bed anymore, not after Josh had done so much to me there. There were too many memories around it and if I slept, it couldn't be lying down even though Simon and JJ asked questions. I always told them I lost track of time.
The second the door opened I knew it was Josh. He had light footsteps, almost as if he was tiptoeing all the time which made it hard to know when he was coming after me, while Lachlan had heavier footsteps, especially when he was tired. I froze.
When his hand brushed my face I flinched and wanted to gag, to spin around and sucker punch him in the face maybe, but I didn't. It had been going on so long that I didn't have it in me to fight back, not when I knew what it would lead to.
"Hey baby boy, time to have some fun." He said the last word sarcastically and then tugged me out of my chair, pushing me back towards my bed. I held my hands out in front of me, constantly looking back to make sure I wasn't going to trip over. "But because we have a... guest... you're going to have to be very. quiet."
He said guests with malice, clearly not liking that Lachlan was there and with the word quiet he forced me onto my back on my bed, moving to sit on my stomach. I gasped for breath when he did so, he had sat down with such force that it had knocked all of the air from my lungs.
"If you make a single peep, no matter how much you want to scream, you will find yourself 6 feet under and with your secret known to the world." I clenched my teeth. "Do not. make. a. sound."
And with that he pushed his lips onto mine and shoved his hand down my pants, leaving me screaming inside.
Don't make a sound. I thought to myself, repeating his instructions inside my head. Don't make a sound and maybe this time it'll be alright.
---
Had it been 5 minutes or 5 hours? Maybe even 5 days? All I knew was that I was lying naked on my bed, a blanket thrown half heartedly over me and everything was screaming in pain.
The Sidemen House (+ Vikklan)- Violent
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