Not Another High School Love Story

34. Misery Loves Company

Every time I see Brent in the halls I'm reminded of how it all happened. The conversation repeats and I watch him walk away, left to hate him and myself for getting into a situation that was doomed to fail from the start. You know that old adage about how it's better to have loved and lost? Well it's bullshit, I should've just told Ms. Montgomery no when she asked me to tutor him in the first place. Every part of my life would've been better off, I wouldn't have given up anything, and even though I wasn't exactly happy back then at least I thought I was. Now I'm just a mess, I've barely eaten anything in the past week and I've completely let myself go.

I'm back to rolling out of bed five minutes before it's time to leave, but I still feel just as tired because I can hardly sleep at night. I did what I had to do and I know I'm not innocent in all this, but that doesn't change the fact that he messed me up bad. It won't be long until the year's over, and I try to keep focused on my schoolwork, but I've pretty much been locked down inside my own head. My brain still recalls its basic functions, it tells me where to go and what to say, but besides that I've become completely numb, I don't even notice when people stare at me anymore.

They aren't the only ones staring though. As soon as I saw Brent the first day after, he'd looked at me when we passed in the halls. I'm not sure what makes it different for him now, but I hadn't paid him any attention. I still don't, and I can only pray he likes being made to feel invisible more than I did. This probably sounds so petty but I swear it isn't, as much as I want to find a way to move on from this it's nearly impossible when I still have to see him every day. I have to do what I can, but nothing seems to be helping. All that's left is to keep trying.

It's not exactly like I'm consistent, I'm guilty of finding times to stare at him when he doesn't know I'm watching. He might've taken to indulging himself with looks in the hall again, but he's still playing house with Madison. Lately it's been worse than ever, and that's speaking objectively. There's not a moment they aren't clinging to each other, and whether it be between classes or at lunch he spends every second he can parading his heterosexuality to our peers by making out with her nonstop. At this point I don't think I need to explain how it makes me feel, and typically I'd just flee the vicinity, but it's hard to get away from it right now since they're ahead of me in the lunch line.

For most of the week I've been leaving campus to get away from everyone, even though I'm not supposed to, but I chose to stay today because I'm pretty sure I might actually pass out if I don't eat something. Suddenly I'm regretting that decision though, I'm not feeling any better watching his ridiculous attempts to be overly affectionate with her. Despite how disgusted his need for acceptance makes me, I power through and pay for my lunch, prepared to tackle my next battle as I decide where to sit. I consider joining Queen, but then I notice the little table next to the window that's been empty for months.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" I'm torn to even ask, but I can't help feeling like Grace is waiting for me. Why else would she be over here?

"Yeah." She nods, offering only a quick glance before dedicating all her attention to the salad on her plate. It's quiet after I sit down and start fidgeting with my meal, but it doesn't come as a surprise that I'm not really hungry. Instead I watch her, all out of energy to keep trying, but I need her more than ever. Eventually she faces me again, sighing. "I was waiting for you, I think I need to apologize for being such a bitch."

"It's not your fault, I get it." Apologies are always hard to endure, and I take full responsibility for everything between us. It's not that farfetched, I am responsible to a degree. "Just so you know, if I could do things over I would tell you right away. You've always been there for me, Grace, I should've trusted you."