Not Another High School Love Story

31. Lines in the Sand

By the time I'm sent back to class I've already decided I want to skip the rest of the day, I figure it'll give me some space to work through everything inside my head. I'm not entirely sure what to expect now that the whole world knows I'm gay, but being so close to graduation I guess it doesn't matter much. Just because it took me forever to finally get recognized at this school doesn't mean I'm too torn up about losing whatever popularity I've been building. I've been invisible my whole life, I can go back to how things used to be, it'll be familiar armor. The problem is I don't think it's that simple, it's far more complicated now.

If it were as easy as ignoring what people think then I could do it, I mean, I basically invented teen angst. There was a period where I gave literally no fucks what my peers thought of me, and even though I'm a little more self-aware now I'm sure I'd be able to get back to that place eventually. The issue isn't with me though, it's with them, and I realize the closet's not going to hide me anymore. I'm trading one kind of notoriety for another, which basically just means I'm guaranteed to stay on the map with the added benefit of being treated like the Loser I've always been.

Funny how nature has a way of course-correcting itself like that. I should've known it was too good to last, but I tell myself I'm not going to miss any of this, I never wanted it to start with. I know it probably looks like I care since I'm running away from my problems, but I don't want to face it just yet. Instead I go see a movie and do a little therapeutic shopping, anything to keep my mind from diving into total insanity. If I had a dollar for every new catastrophe that seems to find me I'd only have like six dollars, but the point is I can't catch a break. For once I'd love it if my life didn't have to be so complicated.

Hard times are supposed to be made easier by friends, but Grace has decided to turn her back on me at the point when I've probably needed her the most. It definitely feels like I have every right to be mad at her, but look at how long I've wasted already, and she's not completely out of line for the things she said. No, I'm just sad about it, I wish I didn't have to be so alone right now. I'm so desperate I even considered texting Queen, but it doesn't feel right to ask him for help after everything we've been through. Of course I could've just gone to see Ms. Montgomery, I know she definitely would've said all the right things.

She's been such a huge comfort, and I'll definitely talk things over with her later, but she would've just sent me back to class if I'd gone to her. This is how it's got to be, so I suffer through it alone in sweet solitude while ignoring the constant buzzing from the phone in my pocket. I don't really want to deal with any of it, but I know there's one other person in all of this who's going to be affected too. It's the only reason I dare trekking back now that schools over, and I slip my hood on to go incognito before I wander over to the field where the jocks are having baseball practice.

Brent's one half of the million texts I have—three guesses to who the other one is—but instead of reading them I simply text back to let him know I'm here. I owe him the courtesy of a warning, and I go as close as I dare to watch their practice. When it's over I head under the bleachers, to the same spot we've always met while I wait for him, and I've practically worn circles in the grass from my mindless pacing when he arrives.

"What the fuck happened today?" Brent almost sounds angry when he speaks to me, lightly panting from a lengthy workout.

"You already heard?" It's a confirmation of my worst fears.

"The whole school's talking about it, they're saying," he catches himself in the middle of his sentence, reading my expression. I know all too well what they're saying, and he clenches his jaw while he lets out a long breath. We both know what this means, I don't need the recap, so he takes a second to collect himself before starting over. "Just tell me if I need to be worried."