mindset

heart

"i can't do this without you." eloise feels like her heart is going to swell and seep through her ribbones. they're all gathered in the hospital's lobby, most of them waiting for their parents, and she presses her hands to the throbbing in her chest. "i can't make it in this life without you."

"don't say that," caleb says, but he looks more flustered than anything. "you've done it before."

"and i don't want to do it again." she hopes none of them notice the way her voice shakes.

shae slings her arm across her shoulders, squeezing her close. "don't be so dramatic. you don't have to be alone anymore." she pokes eloise in the side, making her giggle. "we won't let you."

"this feels so surreal," eloise says after a moment, rubbing her hands over her face. "i can't- i can't believe we're going back out there again."

bryce wrinkles his nose. "out where?"

"you know," eloise says, inclining her head towards the hospital's sliding glass doors. the morning sky is a dusty pink, stars glittering faintly, and they can see the mist that hangs in the air. "out there. out in the world."

"we can't hide forever," mia says kindly. her and kai are holding hands so tightly it looks like their fingers might snap. eloise knows that they're worried their parents won't let them see each other. "especially not you."

eloise furrows her eyebrows. "and what does that mean?"

"just that you would always brag about being the bravest of us all-"

"oh, shut up." eloise whacks her on the arm but they both laugh, the sound alleviating the weight in her chest. "i am the bravest."

"no argument there." jeremiah is a steady constant at her back, the warmth buzzing between them like electricity. she doesn't know what she's going to do when she can't see him every day- when she can't see him every minute of every hour of every day.

she catches sight of her mother and the other parents coming towards them and spins in an unsteady circle, looking at her friends with wide, worried eyes. "are we sure we can do this? are we sure?"

"yes," caleb answers, quietly but with just as much force, his hands on her shoulders. he is so beautiful, up close, far away; she can't imagine any world where he doesn't make her heart hurt. "we can do this. we will do this."

"and we'll see you bright and early monday morning," shae adds, and they all dissolve into laughter while eloise groans.

"don't remind me." she loops her arm through her mother's, sliding her hands into her jacket pockets. "i'll see you then, okay?"

"miss you," oliver says, speaking for the first time in a while, and eloise watches as his mother smooths her hand over his hair. he smiles, and eloise smiles back. "see you."

she keeps her arms looped in her mom's while they walk to the car, but she keeps straining around to look at them all: shae and caleb, spinning in the parking lot, laughing like little kids in the cold morning air; kai hugging his parents before sliding into the backseat of their car; jeremiah's silhouette showing hunched shoulders and a bowed head as he walks with his sister.

she watches them all, feeling like a piece of her is falling away each time one of them pulls out into the street. but there's no one else she'd rather give herself to. she'll be whole again soon enough.