This Other World is Far to Much for Me!

Chapter 1 (Unedited)

It hurts. The agonizing pain gripping at my chest tightly, it came in aching waves. I can tell my breathing has become quickened, a pace that fells like I am barely breathing at all. Another choked out sob comes out, an ugly cry as I trembled in my spot.

Your an idiot.

The tears won't stop, pouring out and soaking into my clothes. My face is buried between my thighs into the warm material of the large green sweater I am waring, which I favored among the others. My arms are wrapped around my legs tightly as I curled up as tightly as I can, as a way to feel safer, a small comfort.

Why did you think for a second it would be okay? No matter how hard you try it does not change you do not fit anywhere here.

Those stares...you aren't wanted, you just make everything worse. You won't ever live up to her expectations.

I let out a longer cry, almost a scream as another wave of pain rippled through me, rooted at my chest and fogging my mind. All the pent of feelings from trying to hold myself together had been released as soon as I had found myself a place to be alone, as always.

Why did I always break down like this after being around others for two long? Was it the feeling in the air which made me feel invisible, or the uncomfortable feeling I was being watched at all times whenever I was in public or around others. It always felt like a confusing mix of both, and I always feel as if I am walking on a thin spiders thread. Needing to be careful of every move I make, every word I say, not wanting to upset or offend the other. Nothing ever seemed to be the right way to go about it. Just listen, and you are to quiet, talk to much and your a self absorbed chatterbox.

I can see the flaws in every move I make, I hate I can't improve myself no matter how many times I try. It is so exhausting to be around others, far to stressful. The racing heart, summersalting stomach, feeling dizzy and nauseous just at the mere idea of talking with someone I don't know well on the phone, let alone in person!

I lift my head up, tilting my head back as I let out a silent scream towards the sky. Multiple choked sobs coming out afterwards, sounding like a dying animal. It then became loud, a almost angry sounding scream. I was angry, at myself for being like this.

I sat against the back of the trunk of a hollow tree, having run into the thick forest by my family's vacation home after having a chat with some guests. I can still remember the strong scent of expensive perfume, which reminded me of a flower field with the worst arrangement of flowers. The scents blending together in a unfavorable way. My aunt and her daughter, who had dropped in to personally give an invitation to her daughters party. I recalled them visiting multiple times, but I have never gotten close to them. Always feeling like...our wavelengths never matched very well.

I had to leave the room and come out here when it all came to much. Due to the conversation consisting of her boosting how amazing her sweet Adel was, pretty, smart, confident. I was not talking much, was not sitting properly in my seat and would never look her in the eye for long nor could I keep sitting still, tapping my finger against my knee. She had gotten upset thinking I was looking down on them, when really I was focused on listening and trying to be careful of what I said and that position was most comfortable, I did it without realizing it.

I was probably finding a way to be comfortable, due to the secret degrading insults my way and my mother not boosting anything about me. I was a silent and awkward, compared to the confidence which was Adel, she was shameful.

I had noticed a while ago, that their seemed to be a battle from day one. Who had the better child kind of battle. A rival I never wanted, only a friend....I wish I had one.