OUR LOUD MINDS → bts fanfiction

Chapter Forty-Nine

I felt my face grow warmer, but I grabbed Anna's hand and glanced towards Hoseok.

"She's not hot, Hoseok," I murmured shyly. "She's beautiful."

Anna's grip on my hand grew tighter and Hoseok gagged.

"Disgusting. You're too in love. My best friend is gone, then," he complained. "Goodbye then."

Anna laughed as Hoseok walked away, throwing a dirty glance back at us as he continued on ahead of us. As we started for class after him, Anna turned to me, her eyes a bit more serious again.

"Are you sure you want to go back to Ignis tonight? It's been almost two months now, you know," she said.

"That's why I have to go back," I replied, looking down at the hall floor. "There's something I have to do."

☁︎

Min Yoongi was sitting on the edge of the stage when I pushed open the heavy entrance door and walked into the echoey Ignis. It was still empty, as it wasn't even five in the evening then. I found myself glancing around for Jimin's fiery girlfriend, almost glad Anna wasn't here. If she was I wasn't sure what would happen between the two. But I'd told Anna that I had to do this alone, so she'd stayed back in town, and I made the trip to the city on my own.

It was strange coming here by myself. And it was especially strange seeing Gloss — Min Yoongi, I suppose — sitting on his own, scribbling in a small notebook.

"What's up, Namjoon?" He spoke up before I'd said anything.

"H-hello," I replied nervously.

Yoongi glanced up at the sound of my voice, watching me carefully. He looked serious, but his eyes were warm still. I felt slightly calmer.

"Uh...what are you writing?" I asked awkwardly.

Yoongi let out a short laugh and smiled.

"A mixtape, actually. Bits and pieces. You know," he told me. "I have some lyrics down here and there. Nothing solid."

"Nothing ever is," I murmured. "Not in rap lyrics."

He chuckled and nodded. We were silent again. I knew we were both picturing that night in our heads. The rain and lightning. The closeness of death.

"Why are you here, Namjoon?" He asked then.

I swallowed and looked down at my shuddering hands. The shakiness had gotten worse with the medication. But I took in a deep breath and shoved them into my sweatshirt pockets.

"I just—" I hadn't thought it would be so difficult. "I just wanted to say thank you."

Yoongi watched me with a look I couldn't decipher. His face was blank. But I continued.

"I think about what happened. A lot. And...I think about what would've happened if you weren't there. And I...I wanted to say thank you. Because I don't like to think about what would've been."

It fell silent again. Until Min Yoongi slipped off of the edge of the stage, notebook and pen still in hand, and walked over to where I stood.

"Listen, Kim Namjoon."

I looked down into his serious eyes that had sent a dream into me so many years ago. Maybe I wasn't only thankful for his saving my life, but for so much more. For rapping. For Anna.

"I don't want you to remember me standing there, staring. I just want you to remember the part where you got down and walked away. No matter how much of a coward it made you feel like. I want you to remember choosing life because you wanted to. And I had nothing to do with that. You chose to live."

I watched him silently, eyes wide. Had it really been all on my own? If he hadn't been there, I knew I would've gone on with it. But then, all he'd done was stand there. Watching me. He hadn't even spoken. Was it really only the fear within me that had stopped me? And if so, was that really something I should be grateful for?

"But— you stood there— you stopped me," I muttered, trying to recall why I had really fallen back into the grips of life. "I was so scared."

"Namjoon, sometimes, fear is the only thing that keeps us alive. Why is that a bad thing?"

I let out short breath, trying not to cry, because I really wanted to then. Anna would be mad if she found out Yoongi had made me cry. But thinking about that made me want to cry more, because I had someone who cared that much about me.

"But...I was a coward...I couldn't even..."

"Isn't fear what drives the lyrics of your rap? Isn't fear what pushes you forward? Your fear of life is what makes living such an accomplishment. Isn't it?" Yoongi crossed his arms, so nonchalant about something so serious.

It was then I realized why Anna was the reason I'd made it this far. Why Hoseok was the reason I'd ever stepped into the spotlight of the stage. Why Jimin was the reason I felt comfortable going to a coffee shop. Even why Jin was the reason I could stand up for myself.

It was the fear of living on that made my life so rewarding.

And I was overcoming that fear everyday, and that...

That was why I would soon be able to create my own happiness.

☁︎
A/N: oh you haven't heard? Namjoon is the love of my life