Collaboration || Dan Smith

Fifty-Four.

~ July 31st 2019 ~
Dan's point of view

'It's okay' Lana told me in her sweet soft voice. 'Isabelle is in a better place' she cooed. All morning I was crying in her arms. I feel weak and my masculinity hasn't been ever this frayed...well it was when mum got diagnosed with breast cancer. But this. This is different. With mum there was hope that she was going to get better - evidence. Isabelle has no hope, but Lana is more than right.

Now I'm in public...surrounded by my friends and family. Holding her tiny...coffin. When the fuck is this day going to be over? The worse part is that Maisie is holding the other hand of the small - almost weightless - box. I haven't seen her since a day before she went into labour.

This wasn't my idea...either. My family are into cremation and 'being free'. I really don't want my daughter just...sleeping in a box until the world fucking explodes or some shit. I don't want her rotting away and being home for spiders and dust...I feel sick.

I saw her. She was in this 'cot' thing. It's something to preserve her body so Maisie can be with her for longer. Maisie wasn't there but my parents were. I held her...she was the prettiest thing ever seen my my whole entire life. Holding her...I felt proud and - it broke me even more - but that's okay. I held her in my arms. I hugged her. I kissed her forehead and wished her a goodnight.

   Then I just felt fucking empty. I still feel empty.

   While the priest says his bit I look at the foot and hold myself together. I know I'm also the most hated person in this room - but today I don't care. Today I am grieving...for my daughter.

   "I understand that Isabelle's mother, Maisie, would like to say a few words." He then announces. I let go of the box coffin and let Maisie hold it. She weakly turns around. Since the church is small she doesn't need to go to the podium. I stand to the side. Even though Ralph probably hates me he supportively puts on hand on my shoulder.

   "I can't tell you much about my baby. Because I don't know her..." Maisie heavily breathes in and out. Watching her hold herself together is...heartbreaking. "One thing is certain though - my baby loved being called Bee...she liked when I made buzzes..." Maisie smiles through her tears. "Sure Isabelle is on her birth and death certificate...but Bee is her name." Maisie nods vigorously before she bursts out crying in a muffled scream. That's when I see Ali - of all people - charge down the isle and console her

I can't.

"Dan!" My mum shouts as I run up the isle and go out of the church. I go straight into the public toilets in the courtyard.

I immediately head for the sink and splash water in my face. I need do something to snap out of this depressed state. I need to be the strong parent - I need to act like more of a man. I never would've guessed something like this would...make me 'less' of a guy. I was on my high horse worrying about my fans perspective of me that I forgot that I'm a human and shit goes off like a bomb.

"Okay." I whisper under my breath as I remember the breathing techniques my sister taught me...before she found out that I was sleeping with someone else while my daughter died. Inhale...and exhale...Inhale and-

I jump out of the skin as the door to the men's loo bangs open, whoever did it has literally made it dent the brick wall. I don't stumble backwards or anything I just wait to see who it is. I'm not surprised to see it's Alistair Chain. I knew he was going to say - or do - something to me sooner or later; especially since I've treated his daughter and niece like shit.

Instead I choose to annoy him as he gets closer and closer to me. At this point I might as well just let him fucking kill me so I can be with my daughter. "Are you going to keep lying to her?" - my voice embarrassingly cracks - "about being her brother...even when she has a gut feeling you're her real dad." Ali doesn't say anything. In the mirror I see him glare at me like when a bull sees red for the first time.

   I don't yell when he dives my face into the mirror. I don't screens for help when he slams my head against the glass numerous times. The pain is so bad that I start to see purple and black stars blotting out my vision. Instead of calling for someone I cry.

   I don't fight back either. Even when I fall to the floor and he wishes me dead for abandoning Maisie when she needed me most. I close my eyes and muffle my pain induce screams with both of my hands. Ali doesn't fuck around - nor does he stop. I pray for my sake that he is never going to stop.

   I deserve this. All of this.