diary of a teen

diary of a teen- part 24

9/25/09

Dear Diary,

I've never been a smart person, I have always wanted to be, but never really have been. I'm smart enough to know how to get by and most jokes that people tell me, but I have never, and probably never will, understand people around death.

Ever since my family found out about the cancer, they have almost stopped talking to me completely. Every time I come into a room, the awkwardly leaving, being very careful not to come that close. Like they are afraid that cancer is contagious. My mom and dad don't even hug me goodnight anymore.

People are weird like that. I guess it is part of the whole "Clean-Break" concept (another thing I will never understand). Whenever I know someone could die any day, any second, I hold on to them. I never want to let them go because I'm afraid if I do they will just go away, forever. If everyone stops having relations with that person, that person starts to lose hope. Hope is probably the only thing that keeps a person alive if they are that far gone.

My family has me losing hope. I feel like I'm already dead the way no one can stand to look at me.

Thank God Dillon is like me, he likes holding on to people too. He talks to me more, touches me more, and makes me feel more alive than I have in a long time, ironically. He spends every second he can making sure that I am doing okay. He tells me that he knows me better than anyone, and he is sure that I can beat the cancer.

Cancer. I can never get used to the word. I don't think anyone, unless they have experienced it, knows what it is like having something inside of you, eating you away until there is nothing less.

Anyways, Dillon's family is more like a family to me than my own. His mom treats me like I'm her daughter.

That's something weird about death, people who you never thought would care become closer and people who you thought would stick by you until the end suddenly disappear. I never understood that either.

Dillon knows that lately I haven't been feeling much of anything, almost like I am numb. So he made it his mission to get me to feel SOMETHING!

He started with giving me roses and presents and chocolate (making me feel loved and cared about) which didn't work out well.

He started talking about my family and how they didn't seem to care (making me feel angry) but I shrugged and brushed it off. I was past the point of caring.

He made me watch Marley and Me (trying to make me feel sad) which worked, but only until the movie ended.

So then, he did the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for anyone. When I was at school, he skipped and came to my house. He yelled at my parents and told them how unfair they were being and they were 'unfit to have a daughter as wonderful and amazing as I way. And that they would never understand how much they had at that moment until I was gone and it was too late.' (Direct quote. That alone made me feel happy and sad and mad, and completely head-over-heels in love.)

So for the first time in months, me and my divorced parents had dinner together. And they told me that they loved me.

Then, something even weirder happens, they tell each other how much they care and miss each other. Then they hug and kiss.

They say that they needed to work through their problems. There was probably going to be a lot of fighting and screaming and 'making-up' (totally gross) that they would be going through. So I had a choice, either live there while they go through that (no thank you!) or temporarily move in with Dillon (which he proposed when he came and talked to them. He had already asked his parents and everything)

So you my dear diary, are just about to be put in one of my boxes that are being hauled over to Dillon's house right now.

The next couple of weeks will be so interesting to write about. Wish me luck!

-Ally