Outside the Lines (lashton)

(52)

Things are getting easier, surprisingly. The more time that passes from my last self harm incident, the less I feel the urge to cut.

Maybe it's because of partial. In inpatient, we were mostly focused on how to be okay with gaining weight and being out of a very dangerously low weight zone. But partial is helping me deal with how to be okay with what weight I'm at currently, even though I'm still gaining. It's also taking different approaches than the other treatment center did. I'm not saying the other treatment center didn't help, because it did. What I am saying is that this treatment I'm in right now is what I need currently.

Since that night when I was feeling highly suicidal, I haven't felt that bad since. I'm glad I talked it out with the boys. If I hadn't, I don't think I would have made it out alive that night. I am so thankful for them. They've stuck with me through all of this and it mustn't be easy for them, just like it isn't for me. I can't even imagine seeing one of them struggle the way I have. It would kill me to see any one of them like that.

The more I open up, the easier it gets, especially during treatment. Before I was living on lies to live my life. Now, it's like the truth spills out of me. I'm so use to saying the truth now that it's almost like I don't know how to lie anymore. And what's the point of lying anyways? It gets me to a worse place and ultimately hurts the ones I love.

I like to think I've come a long way, but I know I have even farther to come. The stress will come back to bite me in the ass. Like when I make my next public appearance on TV or during the next interview. They'll all be asking about what I've been going through... all the rumours.

Maybe that's why I'm doing what I am right now.

"Hey guys, just me now," I say, addressing the live stream in front of me. The boys and I had done a surprise live stream, but I requested that I take the end over and talk about what I've been going through.

"You've probably been wondering where I've been... why I've been missing for so long. I'm sorry for not addressing anything sooner. I needed time to adjust myself, you know?"

I take a deep breath, letting the words flow out of me.

"I've been in treatment for an eating disorder." It's surprisingly easy to say out loud, considering the words spoken.

It's easy from there, explaining what happened but not in depth. I don't want to scar any of our fans. I only reveal enough to explain what has been happening with me.

The chat bursts with comments and my eyes can barely keep up with all of them. Most of them are pride statements, telling me how proud they are of me. I do catch a few invasive ones asking how low my lowest weight was or what exactly my eating disorder is. I decide to ignore those and focus on the positives.

Then I notice all the worried responses.

"You don't have to worry about me though, I'm doing... better. I've got an amazing treatment and support team. These three boys and my family have been through everything with me and I can't thank them enough."

That's when one comment catches my eye.

"'There's photos of you holding Ashton's hand, what's that about?'" I read aloud. "Well, I'll let you figure that out on your own," I say with a wicked grin. "Speaking of... hey Ash!"

There's some footsteps until I see him in the doorway to his - which has really become our - room.

"Yep?" He says confused, leaning up against the frame of the door. I can hear 1985 by Bowling for Soup coming out of his phone.

"Take me out on a date tonight?" I ask cheekily, and his reaction is priceless. He gasps like a fish out of water.

"Aren't you still on the stream?!" he says in a high pitch tone.

"Yep," I say simply.

"I... are you sure? I mean, you've already revealed it but," he comes closer, nearly whispering his words, "are you really sure about this?" he asks with a glimpse of hope flickering in his eyes.

"Really really," I say, quoting Shrek and smiling from ear to ear. I can tell Ashton gets my reference because he comes over to me and lightly hits me on the arm.

"Want to watch Shrek?" he asks, coming closer and taking my hand in his. It's clear on the screen in front of me that everyone can see us holding hands. The chat seems to be exploding again, mostly just a jumble of letters and key smashes. I look back at my boy though and nearly get lost in his hazel-green eyes. They're beautiful.

Ashton squeezes my hand, and I must have actually gotten lost in his eyes because I'm brought back to reality with that squeeze.

"Deal. And dinner as well? I think I'm hungry," I confess guiltily, looking down. This would be one of the first times I'm telling someone when I'm hungry, instead of going by my schedule. It's odd... it's different. He squeezes my hand again and I look up to him.

"Of course babe, let's go," he says softly.

I give him a squeeze of my own hand, and then say my goodbyes to the stream and close the laptop.

I get up and hug him, relishing in the safe feeling. My anxiety from opening up so much starts to wash away slowly.

"I'm super proud of you, Luke. That was amazing."

I sigh, a happy sigh, and tell him, "I don't know where I'd be without you guys... I'm so grateful.

"Hey, we were simply here for you, you did all the hard work and effort." And his words stick with me.

I really did put in all this effort into recovery. I'm still recovering, and I feel like I will be until the day I die, but things are getting better... easier.

Things aren't okay, but they are slowly becoming so. As long as I can make it day by day, then I can do this.

I can do this.

I will do this.