Outside the Lines (lashton)

(29)

I'm woken up at 5:45 this morning. Last night wasn't a dream. I still like Ashton. I still don't like girls. The thoughts make me upset and I don't want to feel the things I'm feeling. I go through the motions of getting ready for weigh-in without paying much attention, and within record time, I find myself in and out of the room nurse Becky weighed me in.

Today seems harder than other days, probably because my self hatred is at its highest with this epiphany about myself. I go back to my room and throw myself on my bed. A few minutes later, Steven comes in with a smile on his face.

"Stop smiling," I tell him.

"Why?"

"I'm miserable," I indulge.

He walks over to my bed and sits next to my body. "Why, what's going on in the mind of Luke Hemmings today?"

I blurt it without even thinking about it. "How did you know you were gay?"

It's no secret that Steven is gay. He's told us during group therapy, how he use to get bullied in school for it and how the emotional scars never really healed. It's sad, honestly. No one should be bullied for who they are.

"Uh, it's a little early for a deep conversation," he chuckles, "but I sort of always knew. It was just something I always was. Girls weren't attractive to me, and I had an eye for boys. Why do you ask?"

I grow silent, not saying anything back to his questioning gaze. He fills the silence with his words and they make my heart hurt. "Are you unsure about your sexuality?"

I throw my pillow at the wall in anger. "I'm pretty fucking sure about it now." It seems I can't hold back, because I'm spilling everything to Steven. "I think I like my best friend, and I couldn't hate myself more for it. I mean come on, I'm suppose to like girls!"

"Who says you're suppose to like girls?" he asks me sadly.

"Me," I state angrily.

"Sounds like you have internalised homophobia," he says to me.

"I'm not homophobic," I say turning to him.

"You sound like you are to yourself. It's okay for everyone else to be gay, except for you?"

"Whatever," I mumble, thinking about how his words couldn't be more true, and get up to grab my pillow. "Maybe I can just change myself. Force myself to not like Ash and just go out with a girl," I think out loud.

"That's not fair to you Luke, you deserve better than that. And it wouldn't be fair to any girl. You should accept yourself for who you are. So what if you like your best friend? So what if you don't like girls? Does that really matter?"

I think it over. Does it really matter? I grew up on the belief that in my life, I'd end up with a woman. This is only a small change in my life, does it really matter?

"What if people judge me for it? My life is on display to people, I literally put myself on a stage for everyone to see. And what if it effects the bands image? What if we lose fans?" I start to hyperventilate from the anxiety racing through me.

"Breathe Luke, you're fine. Just breathe," Steven reminds me. It takes a minute for my breathing to get under control but once it is, I feel calmer.

"Maybe it doesn't matter," I tell Steven, not fully believing myself.

"It doesn't change who you are as a person. You're still Luke inside. You've only discovered a new part of yourself, and that's great," he tries to convince me.

"I'm gonna need a lot more pep talks, hopefully you don't mind. I feel like I'll keep hating myself for this for a while," I say sadly.

He throws an arm around me. "Always here if you need me," he says happily.