Outside the Lines (lashton)

(38)

Another week has passed, and I remember how awful it was to restrict my diet before.

I'm feeling dizzy and lightheaded again, despite constantly drinking water, my stomach is in pain from the hunger, and there's an ache in my head that won't go away, mentally and physically.

I haven't ate in three days. Before that, I had a sandwich, but even before that I hadn't ate in two days. Michael wandered into my room with a ham sandwich, looking like a kicked puppy. I only ate because I knew he'd cheer up if I did. But I instantly regretted it and haven't ate since.

The boys try everything to get me to start eating, but after that night talking to my mom, something switched inside me and my mind went full disorder again. The only time I leave my room is when we're writing or working on music. And even then, if I'm writing with Ashton, I don't show up to write. He keeps trying to make me to eat, any occasion he can. I know he's worried, but I can't help shutting him out. I think he got really upset when I ate that sandwich Mikey made for me, which hurt me even more than I'm already feeling.

I'm currently suppose to be at my therapist appointment, but I'm skipping. Instead, I'm laying under the covers, cocooning myself inside them. I hear a knock at the door and ignore it. After a few seconds, the door swings open slowly and Ashton comes in, looking as sad as I've ever seen him. It looks like he hasn't been sleeping.

"I miss you," he tells me, and oh did you hear that? Yeah, that's my heart breaking in two.

"I miss you too," I croak, my voice not having been used since yesterday.

"Can we cuddle?" he asks me sadly, probably thinking the answer will be no.

"Please," I croak again, and open up my cocoon for him to crawl into. He falls onto the space next to me and I flip the covers back over us.

He doesn't say anything like I expected him to. Usually he tries to persuade me to eat but not today. Today, he's just here and it means the world to me.

That's probably why I open up to him.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

He kisses my nose softly in response, and wipes the hair out of my eyes. I need a haircut.

Ashton continues to stay quiet, so I fill in the silence.

"I'm not doing good," and the admittance makes my eyes water, not having talked about it to anyone yet has me emotional. He grabs my hand from under the covers and squeezes my hand, still staying silent. I think he understands that if he stays silent, I'll open up more.

Time passes before I have the courage to finally say, "I think I'm relapsing." And, well, duh. But those words are so hard to say out loud, so hard to admit. To admit that you're struggling, that you need help...

"I know, I love you," he tells me, wiping a tear away from my eye. If I wasn't such a mess, I'd mention how cheesy and cliché this seems, him wiping my tears away as I cry.

"I don't know," and here comes the ramble, "I thought about how I was getting to a healthy weight and how fucking disgusting I look right now, and decided I didn't have to gain weight anymore. And after that night with my mom, something just clicked in my head, something bad. And I know this is bad, I really do, but I don't know how to get out of this. I feel as helpless as before but like, I'm at a healthy weight now. Going into treatment won't do shit for me. And I don't even want to do that because that means gaining weight and I'm terrified of doing that right now oh god I really don't want to gain any more weight..."

I'm bawling my eyes out by the end of my ramble.

He wraps his arms around me and holds me while I cry, rubbing comforting motions into my back like he usually does.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this, Luke," he says sincerely. His words makes me cry even more.

He holds me there for what feels like forever, until there's a knock at the door. Dinner, it must be dinner.

"Dinner, Luke. Oh, and Ash. Hey Ash," Calum says sadly through the crack of the door.

"Hey, I'll be right out," Ashton says, and I sigh, knowing he will eat and I won't, leaving me alone again.

"Do you want to try to eat something?"

My eyes start to water again at the thought, and I shake my head to try and make the future tears go away. Ashton takes this as a no, and I don't have the fight in me to tell him otherwise. He gets up to leave silently, not saying a word.

I'm all alone again.

Even though I've been sobbing all afternoon, I still have some tears left in me, because as soon as he leaves, I break down again. Not a lot of time passes until the door opens again and I see Ashton with two plates of stir fried chicken and vegetables, both with the same small amount of food on them.

"I thought you'd like to try anyways. I know I keep annoying you with eating, but maybe it'd be easier if we ate the same size helping?" he questions out loud.

I nod my head through the tears, willing to try if he's put this much thought into it.

The room is dark. The curtains are closed and there's only one dim light on in the corner of the room. Ashton goes over to the curtain and opens it a tad, enough to let some light in and illuminate us, but not enough to hurt my eyes.

He settles down next to me on the bed, setting the food in front of me. I curl even more into the covers.

"We'll do it together, yeah? I take a bite, and you take a bite. How's that sound?"

Tears leak out of my eyes. I'm filled with emotion at how much Ashton is trying to help me. He really, truly cares about me.

I grab a fork and slowly lift a bite up to my mouth. After the food hits my tongue, Ashton does the same. Right after I'm done chewing, which takes forever, I ask for a cup of water. I can see the alarms going off in his head, because back when he read my journals from the center, I wrote about all my tips and tricks on how to not eat. And drinking water between each bite was one of them. It makes you full faster.

Before he even says anything, I plead with him. "Please, let me have this. I'll eat if you let me have this."

He sighs, and offers me a proposition. If I drink water between every bite, I have to sit at the dining room table. I accept, but only if the other two are done eating. I know that will probably hurt their feelings, but it's what I need right now. I'd ask them to do the same as Ashton, but add more people into the equation and it seems like they're making fun of me. I know they're not, but three people eating at the same pace as me, who don't have an eating disorder? It messes with your head.

As Ashton gets up to check if their done eating, I have the urge to throw the plate to the ground, wanting to watch it break into tiny pieces. I could definitely cut with that.

Wow, I haven't thought about cutting in a while. Things must be really bad.

He comes back, confirming they're in the other room playing games, and we both get up to go to the dining room, me grabbing the comforter off the bed and dragging it behind me.

It takes a while, with sips between each bite, but I finish the serving in front of me, with tears in my eyes, again. I'm such a crybaby.

"See? We're done. It's over baby, please don't cry," he says, pulling me into a crushing hug. The headache I woke up with is magnified by ten from all the crying.

"Can you set up an appointment with my therapist and nutritionalist tomorrow?" I ask through my sobs.

"I'll do anything you want, Luke. Anything to help you."

I hold on to those words like they're a life preserver and I'm a castaway lost at sea.