Trust Me | MxM | BDSM

51. Mommy

"You want me to untie you?"

I nod. The blindfold falls shortly after, revealing Gav crouching in front of me, a gentle smile on his lips that doesn't reach his eyes. He looks pained. I cast my gaze down, afraid to face him. After he's removed the gag, he cups both my cheeks and runs his thumbs across the skin beneath my eyes, brushing away the tears.

"I'm sorry," I murmur.

He firmly shakes his head. "Don't, sweetheart. It takes time. We'll talk about it later, okay? See what happened."

I nod hesitantly, and Gav gives me a peck before he gets onto all fours so he can reach beneath the vaulting table and untie me. When the ropes drop away from my skin, I grimace at the slight pain, though when I try to get up on my own, it only gets worse. Grunting, I drop back onto the vault. The skin on my back seems to tear whenever I move, feeling hot and wet.

"Careful, love." Gav throws a soft blanket over me, yet even the fine fabric is making my skin burn. When he lifts me up into his arms, I squeeze my eyes shut, knowing that I have to get through this, though I'd rather keep lying on the vault, waiting it out. "Let's get you into bed first."

I don't react; after all, I'd rather move as little as possible. Still, I snuggle up to him, burying my nose in his chest, close to his armpit so I can breathe in his scent. My heart aches for him, yet these feelings are also causing me so much pain.

While I told myself that it doesn't matter whether he a hand in my Mom's death, I can't follow through. We may not have known each other back then, so I won't blame him if he was involved, but I need to know. I'm sick of being kept in the dark. It's making me feel like I don't really know who I am - because I don't know what really happened to me, to my Mom.

It's all such a mess, so I have to make sure that despite all the uncertainties, I can rely on Gavrilo.

I wince when puts me down on the bed, then nudges me at my shoulder until I roll onto my stomach, groaning at the comfort of having the skin on my back relax. Gav removes the blanket and moans quietly. The sound is enough to remind me that I failed.

"I'm sorry, Ma-" He flicks his fingers against the side of my head, effectively making me shut up. I turn my face towards him with a confused frown, my heart even heavier now that he has forbidden me to speak. Therefore, I'm surprised to find a content smirk on his lips.

"You look delicious, sweetheart, and you did really well, so stop apologizing. I'm proud that you used the sign when you wanted me to stop."

"But you-" I don't finish yet again because he raises a finger to his lips, hushing me. His features ease into a caring expression that makes me feel safe, and when he sits down on the bed, I slip closer until his hip is resting against my side.

Gav lifts a hand to my head, pretty much the only part of my body he can safely touch without causing discomfort. He massages my scalp softly, asserting pressure with the tips of his finger. Moaning, I close my eyes.

"Can you tell me what happened?" he asks after a while.

I sigh. "I don't know. I just suddenly wanted you to hold me."

His hand stills, then he leans down to embrace me carefully. I still wince because of the strain on my wounds. Gav nuzzles my neck. "I love you, Robin. You know that, right? I mean, really know?"

His feelings for me almost make me tear up again, but I blink the tears away, taking a couple of deep and shaky breaths. While he keeps telling me how much he loves me, it's still difficult to comprehend. "I think I do. I don't know. It's all so messed up."

"But I'm here, sweetheart."

"I know, it's just-" I can't bring myself to ask him. After all, that's too big of a question. Did you kill my mother? I don't even know how to phrase that right - if there is any way to do that.

"It's just what?"

"It's just-" I sigh and pull away from him so I can sit up despite the pain, enabling me to look into his eyes. His brow is furrowed slightly. Gav takes my hand into his to give it a reassuring squeeze. I sigh once more, then look down at our interlaced fingers. "My father said something about you."

My gaze flickers up to assess his response, and my findings frighten me. Gav's expression has turned cold with an anger to it that makes me tense up. Reluctant to continue, I gnaw at my bottom lip.

"What did he say?" His sharp intonation is more fitting for a command than a question, compelling me to answer.

"He said that you're lying to me, that you were involved in my Mom's death."

"Fucking bastard," he mutters, though all I hear is that he is not denying the accusation. When I attempt to pull my hand away from him, his grip tightens. "Don't."

I yank harder, but he doesn't budge. "Let go!"

He finally releases my hand, though it only makes me feel a sudden loss. I stare at him accusingly. "What did you do?"

"Sweetheart, please, it's not how you think."

It probably isn't. Still, we're talking about my Mom here, which is enough to make my eyes sting with the threat of tears. I loved her.

"What happened?" I croak, heartache making my voice hoarse.

Gav sighs, rubbing his eyes. "I hardly remember anything, I'm sorry. After I found out who you are, I looked up 'Robin Muller', and that's when I realized that- I don't even know who killed her. I mean, it must've been twenty years ago. It might've even been me."

He searches for my gaze, but I'm not going to give him the comfort. Instead, I glare at the sheets, the only act of defiance I can muster. "Please, sweetheart. I didn't even know she was your mother. I-"

"Why was she killed?" I ask quietly, not concerned about his excuses. It's not like I'm mad at him, though he certainly could've told me once he found out. My mind is occupied with the one truth that I have always wanted to uncover. "Gav, why?"

"I'm sorry, love. She was a casualty. They had stolen some of my Dad's drugs, and we shot some small guy who barely mattered in return. I think it was twenty or thirty people that got caught in the fire. Really, it could've been any other whor-" He breaks off too late.

I've always known, haven't I? Then why are my eyes widening in shock, and why is my heart clenching so painfully? She'd gone out to get fucked, leaving me alone forever.

Mommy leans down to kiss my forehead, then ruffles my hair. I jump away quickly, hating it when she does that. She laughs, just like always. A bit of red lipstick is sticking to her teeth, but I won't tell her because she's been mean to me, doing something I don't like. So I just stick out my tongue instead.

"Come on, give me a hug before I leave, will you?"

I can't remember whether I hugged her. I can't remember her face.

I gulp down the lump that has formed in my throat. "Do you have a picture?"

"What?"

"Do you have a picture of her?"