Broken Strings

Scared

JAY POV

The first thing I noticed as I woke up is that Maanav is awake. That surprised me. More than I could say. The burning smell could be of only one indication and I am definitely not ready to clean up the mess after him like the last time. I got off my bed and made my way to the kitchen to find Maanav somersaulting my pans in the air and to find almost half the kitchen island is destroyed. I coughed. He looked up and smiled at me.

"You are up?" He asked.

"Unfortunately,"I said in my monotone.

"I was just trying to make some breakfast.....its harder than I thought actually. Very hard." He murmured the last part.

"What are doing Maanav?" I asked after he tried to dispose of his mostly unburnt breakfast.

He shook his head and looked me with a shy smile on his face.

"I couldn't sleep." He said after a beat. I stared at him for a moment.

"Should I get the doctor's appointment this week?" I asked. He knows the best of what to do in this kind of situation than I do.

He shook his head.

"I am fine. Its just........the college work is getting on me"

"The college started yesterday," I said.

"Exactly! Not having anything to take off my mind is kind of troubling, you know." He said.

"No, I don't. But still, if it makes you feel better...."

I nodded at him like I understand everything he just said to me. He laughed and my corners tilted up a bit.

"Let's go......we are already a bit lagging now," I said glancing at my watch.

"And here I thought you were gonna help me clean this up."

"It's on you buddy."

...................................................................

The first day of college passed in a blur and with speeches of well we should do in our senior years and not rag our juniors or there will be consequences. As if anyone here gives a damn about the consequences. Maanav dragged me off to Dr.Chatta as soon as the final bell rang. Dr.Chatta has been on my case as long as I could remember. He said I was, for lack of a better word, 'fascinating'. It's his way of saying that I am the lab rat that he doesn't have to pay for.

"But at least he is doing something about your condition, unlike those previous doctors.....and anyway he is the only one I can trust enough to not to publicize your condition to the town," Maanav said and that's the end of it as I am intellectually not bright enough to argue with Maanav. He always gets his way, one way or another.

"Welcome, Jay," Dr. Chatta said looking up as I entered his cabin. The air condition is in full blast and I shivered a little.

"Cold?" He asked and I gave a stiff nod.

"You know, Jay I think you should practice playing out emotions some more." He said. Oh no, not this again.

"It's not like I don't feel them doctor.......I...I just don't see the point of reacting according to them." I said enable to explain my point clear to him.

"Pain is an emotion that is actually indirectly attached to every emotion we feel and a person who loses the ability to feel this emotion gradually loses his ability to feel other emotions too. I always tried to counsel you to try to enhance your emotional barriers. But I don't think it's working."

"I said that the very first day when you came up this approach" I muttered.

He laughed.

"You did. But it is not completely hopeless. You do feel other emotions, not with others maybe, but towards Maanav. You do feel anger towards him, sometimes you even admit that you care about him."

"He is my friend."

"My point exactly, Jay. You feel things when they happen to step out of the people you care about. Let's say it is almost like, that is the only time you allow yourself to feel. If you could just expand that circle of yours and try to feel more we might actually be able to find some sort of cure for your condition."

He stared at me then. For a long time. Waiting for my response. Finally, I said.

"I can't."

..........................................................................

"So how did it go?" Maanav asked as I came out.

"He talked. He talked a lot actually. I don't remember half of it but it was mostly about how I should try to step out of my comfort zone or something like that. Then he took my blood, ran some scans and the same old lab rat testings." I said.

We settled in Maanav's car and Maanav started driving. Halfway through our journey Maanav suddenly said

"My father is coming to meet me next week"

"oh."

We were silent again. A meaningful silence.

................................................................................

I woke up to the sound of something crashing. I jumped out of my bed and ran towards Maanav's room. It was open and Maanav is not inside the room. My heart rate spiked up and sweat covered my back and forehead. The sound came again. From the balcony. I ran towards the balcony, my breathing fast and uneven. Maanav was sitting on the bean bag and throwing off one pot plant after another, slowly, off down the balcony, onto the ground. He had that look on his face. He was thinking about her. I went near him and sat beside him. He didn't show any sign that he registered my presence. One more crash.

"You know I spent almost half a year growing those things you are throwing off," I said.

"I know."

"What happened?"

"I don't know." He said.

"Maanav! Rule number three! Honestly, we made a pact man! You can't just forget about them whenever you like! I forbid you to behave like this. Even if you do, by some unavoidable circumstances, then you have to at least give me some heads up or guidance of how to deal with you during that time. I order you to get off that mood and stay normal. As normal as you can be. "

He turned to me slowly and laughed. He snapped out of it. My shoulders sagged a little.

Rule number three: Never answer my question with an answer that would confuse me. It just makes me feel worthless and insignificant that I can't catch on things that other people have no problem understanding.

"You were scared, weren't you?" He asked after he stopped his laughing fit.

"No. My heart rate and my breathing increased and I thought that I felt hot and cold all over at the same time but I didn't feel scared. Aren't you supposed to feel like hiding when you scared? That's what they show in the movies "

He started laughing again. Hmm. Maybe I should stop watching movies.