The UST Files

Loving a Depressed Person

Loving a Depressed Person

Have you ever loved someone who never loved themselves? Ang hirap, sobrang hirap. Clinical depression is not a joke, and sometimes people don't realize that. Akala nila pag nakakatawa, pag nakakangiti, nakakabangon naman araw araw, okay lang sila, di yan depressed. Sometimes people don't understand how lonely it can be.

I fell in love with him very quickly. He was funny, snarky, a bit of a douchebag I guess, but man, he was sweet and emotional, and when we talked about serious things we clicked so well. Hindi siya sobrang gwapo, pero type ko eh. First three months were wonderful. Perfect boyfriend siya. We shared many “firsts.” Three months into the relationship, he started showing signs of being insecure, angry and manipulative, that I never really saw in the beginning, but I brushed it off. Mago-one year na dap at kami, and then he cheated.

We let go, decided it was for the best because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. But at this point, he was my best friend. I loved him so much; I was desperately attached.

The thing is about people who do not love themselves, is that they question if anyone else loves them at all. I spent the next 4 years trying to prove to him that I was there for him through thick and thin. He did not treat me well. He made me hate myself, and drove me to the point of hurting myself. He used me as an emotional and physical punching bag. He knew I would never leave, because I cared too much for him. He threatened suicide if I left. My grades suffered. My friends were worried and kept telling me to leave and drop his ass, but because they respected me, they merely watched from afar as I continued to be his crutch. Many times, he blamed me, and even when I knew it wasn't my fault, somehow, he made me believe it was. I didn’t realise what he was doing to me because I was so concerned about what he was doing to himself.

For four long fucking years, I was trapped in an extremely toxic relationship.

Now, I've finally let go. I'm moving on with my life, and I have never been happier and more in love with myself. It has been hard to trust again but I'm hoping I can love as passionately still.

But... every once in a while, I will think of him, and wonder if he is okay. I still miss my best friend, or at least who I knew him as.

Iliana