It's Quiet Uptown

Chapter Eleven: Dying is Easy. Living is Harder.

One Week Later (Feb. 21st)

Lin's POV

     I unbuckled Sebby from his car seat, the sheer number of layers making it quite hard. That's what happens when you let one Groffsauce shop for a newborn's winter wear. The cute baby stirred, his gorgeous brown eyes opening sleepily.

     "I know it's cold, baby, but you've gotta hold on," I told him as I hefted him onto my hip and shut the car door. It was the middle of the afternoon on Saturday, after the 2 pm show and before the 8 pm show. Javier had offered to take the second show so I could have the extra time to myself (to grieve, he meant), but I turned him down. I wasn't going to dissolve into a puddle of tears after this visit.

    My mood darkened the further I walked. Soon, I stared down at the metallic gravestone-plaque thing that read, "VANESSA ADRIANNA NADAL." I sat next to her in my usual spot, making sure my once-again sleeping son wasn't on the cold snow.

    "Hello again, love," I said quietly. "Happy 33rd birthday. I brought our son with me to celebrate."

    Right on cue, Sebby yawned hugely, his breath misting in the cold air, and made a sound of protest. Everything but his chubby cheeks was covered, but they were turning red. He could handle it. They paired with his little gray knitted hat & puffy black jacket. He looked so cute.

    "That's right, Sebastian," I said affectionately. "Say hi to mommy."

    His adorable smile appeared. "Mama!" he cooed.

    I beamed down at him. "He's so precious, Vanessa. I miss you terribly, but I've accepted that you're gone. But I've got two strong men in my life to help me heal. Our son," I paused, hesitant. "And Jonathan. I know what I said last week, but... he just, fills the void. I've never been so close to him in my life. I think... I think I love him."

    After I'd finally said it, I nearly swooned from the butterflies that burst into being, all around my chest. Psychologists say talking about what you keep hidden just alleviates or increases those feelings. They're right.

    The revelation hit like a hammer blow straight to the chest, sending ripples throughout my body.

    I love Groff, I marveled. Blond, blue-eyed, gorgeous Jonathan Groff. He entered my heart to help me heal and looks like he got stuck in there.

    But then I remembered what I was here for, and who I was holding. The 9 months spent with Vanessa before Sebastian was born had been some of the best of my life, and I loved my wife a little more every day. Loving another felt like... sacrilege.

    My smile disappeared, and I cuddled Sebby closer. He seemed to sense my emotional indecision and nestled his head into my chest. I melted.

    "It's like my heart is being tugged in two different directions. I miss you terribly, but I've finally realized just how amazing Groffsauce is. He's so patient, so affectionate, and one of the most supportive men I've ever met." My breath caught as I made a connection. "He's just like what I saw in you."

    I stared down at the gleaming snow, grief, love, and indecision warring in my chest. It felt like a million butterflies were being eaten by dark hollow blobs.

    Love him, love her, she's gone, he's not, her memory, his support...

    I suddenly realized that this was probably the hardest decision of my life. Let go of the past, and embrace the future? I remembered all my memories from high school until today. Vanessa was a bright spot in most. But so was Groff. They'd both influenced my shows, my writing, my life, in ways that meant a lot to me. But now, that was making it extremely hard to choose.