a/n: midnight rambles, really might delete this after a couple days. idk.
this has interested me since i read about it in psychology.
because i genuinely think this.
i tell people i have it all together. i tell them i'm not stressed at all. i tell them life is going good. i tell them i'm happy i'm single and i'm enjoying life alone.
i don't tell them that i'm extremely forgetful — and if i do, or if it accidentally shows in front of them, it's a joke. i never take it too seriously.
i don't tell them that life in general is stressing me out right now. that college applications are stressful, finals are stressful, my family is stressful, my mom and i's financial situation is stressful, my mental state is stressful. it's all stressful.
i don't tell them that life hasn't been going good in a while. that i've been a worrying mess this year. that my ptsd is really kicking me in the ass and i'm seeing my therapist for the second time this week tomorrow because she's so worried about me she can barely stand it. that my mom and dad have been walking thin ice for over a year, and now that ice is really beginning to crack, and i feel like i am having to chose between parents. that my mom rants to me about him because i'm all she has and i can't see him the same anymore because he has done some really shitty things — not just to her, but to me now, too.
i don't tell them how lonely i am. that i write fanfictions to make my heart content. that i watch an endless amount of romantic comedies, just so i will laugh at least once for the day. that i miss my ex so much it hurts. that it's a struggle to not unblock him and apologize for something i don't even think i should apologize for. that it's a struggle every single day to not go running right back to him because he has someone else. that the fact that he has someone else hurts me a lot more than i ever, ever thought it would.
i don't ever tell them any of this. i never tell anyone. i'm too embarrassed. i'm supposed to have it all together. i'm the independent, got it all together, girl. that's my thing.
but lately it hasn't been. lately i've been barely holding it together so badly that it..it scares me.
i haven't scared myself in a long time. and that worries me.
but i can't say these things. because then they'll find out. they'll all find out i've been lying to them again. they'll be disappointed that i kept this from them.
my mom, goodness, she's got enough on her shoulders as it is. i can't worry her with this stuff. i can handle this.
i handled myself before on my own, i can do it again.
i'm scared i'm going to fail my economics class. i'm not the best at math. i never have been. and this class — it's so hard for me to pay attention. and i should really go back and read the notes, i just...
i forget. i always forget.
i forgot my keys earlier today. it was my choir folder last week. my coat the other day. my umbrella two days ago.
i'm forgetting more and more.
maybe it's the lack of sleep, but i can't say anything. i'm alright. i'll be alright, i just have my moments.
i thought i saw him today. not him as in my ex, him as in my abuser.
i haven't really seen him in person in three years. it's been a rough three years, even without seeing him.
i don't know if it was my mind playing tricks on me, or if he really is around again. but i really thought i saw him. i'll recognize his face, his stare no matter how old i get. i'll always know it. it's burned into my skull.
i really think i'm going to crash and burn one day. i'm so afraid of disappointment — of being a disappointment that it keeps me up at night, among many other things.
i'm so afraid every college i apply to will reject me. i'm so afraid no college will want me. i'm so afraid that if they do and i do manage to get a degree, no job will want to hire me. i'm so afraid no one will want me that i don't know what to do with myself.
i told myself i was over it — that fear of dying alone. but i'm not. oh god, i am not over it at all. i'm so terrified that nothing i do will ever make me good enough or enough in general. i'm so afraid that i'm not as smart and sweet as everyone says. i'm so afraid my talents are a figment of their pity and my imagination.
i'm so afraid. all the damn time. i don't know what to do.
maybe it is imposter syndrome. but how am i supposed to know that for myself if i can barely hold myself together?
i don't know what it is anymore. but it's been raining for three days, i know that isn't helping.
i always hate the time change. and holiday season. i know it's stupid to say. but i am never myself during the winter. i'm such a different, drained girl.
i don't like her. i don't like feeling drained all the time. and i'm so afraid that it will carry over. every year, i'm afraid it'll carry over and i'll become that person for the rest of my life. drained. off. isolated.
i'm afraid of so much.
