Dear self,
Hi.
I know sometimes I am the last person you could possibly want to speak to. But I'm speaking now, so all I need you to do is listen.
I have many things on my mind, so it's only easy for me to do it this way.
To my ten year old self going through that exceptionally traumatic event: breathe, honey. The days will be brighter soon. One day he will no longer hurt you. Hold on to the hope that things will be better — because they will be. Hold on to the hope that he will one day have no control over your heart — because one day he won't. Hold on to the hope that one day he will be nothing more than a memory — because one day he will. More than anything, hold on to hope.
To my twelve year old self struggling to stay: breathe, honey. Things are going to be rough, but they will only get worse if you don't try to get better.
To my thirteen year old self feeling broken down after coming out as gay: breathe, honey. This is as new to you as it is to them. They don't mean what they said, I promise. They still love you. You're going to realize soon that you need to love you more. And for future reference: boys can be cute — you don't have to restrict yourself to only girls — you can like both and that's okay.
To my fourteen year old self going to therapy for the first time: breathe, honey. Try not to be mad at your mom for too long. She thought she was going to lose you — she still does; truthfully, I don't know if that fear will ever leave her. She took you there and let you meet with that therapist because she knew you were hurting — and regardless of what you want to say, you are hurting. But that is okay. You don't have to be okay all the time, honey. You don't. I know you were raised that way and sometimes that becomes so, so toxic, but it's so, so false. You can be upset, angry, even sad. You don't have to be okay all the time.
To my fifteen year old self having a crush on a boy for the first time: breathe, honey. Remember when I said you could like both? It's still true. You can. And it's okay. You're not weird or wrong or suddenly broken. You can like both and that it totally okay.
To my freshly sixteen year old self thinking she has it all figured out: breathe, honey. Spoiler, though, you don't have it all figured out. That's okay that for a moment you think you do. That small moment of relief and lightness that you feel is amazing. It's called hope, honey. Hold on to that for as long as you can. Don't ever let go of it. You will need a lot of it in the years to come.
And finally, to my current almost seventeen year old self: breathe, honey. Though the things above were directed toward the age of you as stated, their messages still ring true for you today. They are still worthy of listening to, even though you are older.
One day, he will no longer haunt your mind. One day, you'll stop asking yourself if you deserved it. One day, you'll accept that you did all that you could in that moment. One day, you'll understand that it wasn't your fault. One day, I promise, you'll be happy again.
You will get better. The days will be brighter. And one day he will no longer hurt you.
You are worthy of love, honey. You and all one million of your pieces that you have taped back together by yourself over the years. You are worthy and deserving of someone who will treat you right. Don't ever settle. If you're single right now, that is okay. No one said you had to be in a relationship right now. You can treat you right and love yourself right now unlike any other person on this world. Self-love is different, honey. Self-love needs to be first and strong as a hurricane. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are being too picky. Or that you aren't enough. You are enough. You and all one million pieces of you. You're enough every day and every night.
Love,
your weepy-almost-seventeen-year-old self who hasn't seen a good day in a long time but has hope that one is somewhere around the corner
