a/n: i'll probably delete this, but i just needed a minute to rant. the warning is that it's really sad. that's all, really.
"The honest truth? Well, I uh...I don't know.
"I don't feel great. I...I guess we'll start there. I'm lonely. A lot of the time.
"I'm sad, I guess. It's hard for me to really tell what emotions I'm feeling. I didn't really know my happiness well enough before it was sort of...taken from me. And now I just feel like I'm grasping at air? I don't know, I just know I have felt happy in some moments, but those moments were fleeting and I know I've never really felt...true happiness, I guess. Whatever that means. I don't even know what it means.
"On the loneliness. You, um—You seemed shocked? The other day when I mentioned it in passing — that I feel lonely, I mean. I don't know why...you looked so shocked, I guess from the outside it can be sort of hard to see why I would be so lonely. Or maybe it's because that's not really a feeling you had to grow up with — or maybe it is and you just didn't think I would feel it, which I get.
"But I am, mom, I'm so, so lonely all the time. And I haven't figured out how to deal with it yet I just know it hurts when I see everyone with their someone. And it doesn't matter if their relationship isn't perfect or going to last forever, because I know some won't and I don't expect every single one to last, but I just—
"Part of me feels like I'm missing out — on being a teenager, I mean. If that makes sense. Everyone talks about the teenage years, especially in high school, being where you find someone to hold on to. Like a high school fling. You know? Everyone that I know who is out of high school always talks about their high school boyfriend or girlfriend.
"And I know I shouldn't glorify it because it's not perfect or fun most of the time, but teenage years aren't supposed to be perfect or fun all the time. I get it.
"And everyone always tells me that it's not a big deal. But if it's not a big deal, then why does everyone make it out to be a big deal?
"Does that even make sense? If having a relationship in high school isn't even a big deal and isn't even something to worry about, then why do I see it everywhere? Why am I taught that I'm undesirable all of the sudden because I don't have a boyfriend? I don't get it— I just—
"My bed feels so empty, mom. I know it sounds stupid because it's a twin and I'm a teenager so it shouldn't be full anyway, but it's...it's so empty. My room feels so empty. I feel so empty.
"And I know if I fell in love or even just went on a date— I know it wouldn't change anything. I know I would probably still feel lonely and empty and sad. But I just can't help but feel like I'm not getting to be what I'm supposed to be. Or should be. That makes no sense.
"I was supposed to be a child, you know? I was supposed to continue being sassy and happy and ambitious...and that all got taken away. And I was in such a dark place, mom. I know you don't fully realize how dark it was, but god, I was so unhappy.
"And now...I'm starting to be me again. My sass is coming back. My sarcasm is coming back. My happiness is trying come back. But now...I don't know.
"And maybe this is all stupid. Maybe I'll feel fine tomorrow. Maybe it's the stupid rain that's been here for three days so far. I don't know what it is.
"I just know I'm lonely. And I have my best friends, sure. But the hell am I supposed to do when they all have their temporary someone? What happens to...me?
"I'm sorry...I don't mean that. I...I know they love me and would do anything for me. I'm just— it's the loneliness talking.
"But— And the suck thing is I preach self-love all the time. In my poetry, in my books, just on a daily. But if I do— then just...
"Why don't I love myself? Why does no one teach us how, you know? Like when it's been ripped away and your image of yourself has been manipulated and screwed with — why does no one teach us how to come back from that?
"I keep telling myself that it's not something that can be taught. Which I guess is true.
"And I keep telling myself to be comfortable with being alone. Because maybe I am my own someone. Maybe my someone is just...myself. And that should be okay. I should be okay with that.
"But this stupid— I've grown up with the idea slammed into my head that I'm supposed to date in high school and break hearts at graduation. And it sounds so ridiculous that I'm in near tears over not being able to partake in that, doesn't it?
"I'm just— I'm left out of the picture a lot, you know? That's one thing I've noticed is— And maybe it's not always intentional. Maybe they don't mean to leave me out. But I'm always so left out and left alone and it...it hurts.
"I'm not noticeable. I figured that out. Heads don't turn when I walk in a room and I'm not the girl that everyone knows. I'm just...me. And that should be enough, you know? Why the hell isn't it enough—
"I didn't mean to go on a big rant because I know you don't like hearing this and I—I don't want to make you upset.
"But I'm so...I'm still so unhappy. I hate recovery because one second I'm doing good and the next I just want to scream and punch a wall. I don't think that's good, really. I shouldn't want to scream and cry and punch things all the time, but I do. I don't even know who I'm angry at really. More myself, I guess.
"God, I am just such a— I don't know. Disappointment? You always tell me that I'm not, but then—
"Why do I still feel like such a disappointment, mom?
"I don't know what I'm doing wrong or who I'm even disappointing, I just know I'm not doing something right. And it—it's stupid.
"I just want my good days back. I was doing so good. I don't know what happened."
—what i wanted to tell my mom today when she asked me, "how are you?"
