i am an incredibly lonely person.
what a wonderful starter sentence, if i do say so myself.
we'll add it here, too.
i'm an incredibly lonely person.
i like to think that the more i say it, the less i am ashamed of it.
i'm lonely. i'm really lonely. i feel lonely almost every moment of my waking hours and i know for a fact my subconscious stews in the feeling in my dreams.
there we are. there's the point to this. the topic that relates to the picture i oh-so-conveniently put at the top.
if you haven't noticed, my humor is incredibly dry. even in my writings.
anyway, the point. it's slipping away from me. it tends to do that.
i am lonely. there we are again. i'm lonely and i try not to let it make me bitter, but i can't help the disgust i can feel myself leaning toward when i see couples or friends simply having a grand time together.
i am not alone. but i am incredibly lonely.
and this shows in my dreams more than it does during the day because, well, i have learned to tune the feeling out during the day. if i'm being honest, i know the feeling is there. i can sense it, lurking in the corner. but i keep my mind busy. i always have. after many years of watching your best friends make friends and have multiple circles outside of you while your friend group stays stagnant, you learn to shove the nagging loneliness away. especially when you watch your best friends go through boyfriends while you, once again, stay completely still in that department.
and i don't mind it. i know i am not alone and i have gotten better at reminding myself of the fact. i also have gotten better to listening to myself when i remember that i — as a genuine introvert — like being alone.
i love having the house to myself. doing chores and blaring my music without worrying about anyone else. i love cooking for myself. i love opening the blinds and letting light in so i can dance. i love to dance by myself. in front of my mirror. on the way to the kitchen. i love to lip sync with it, too. down the hallway. pretending i'm in my own music video — despite how cheesy that sounds.
i love these things. i love being alone.
but i can't deny the fact that i wish i had someone. i have best friends, i don't mean those. i mean someone.
my own someone special. my own person who will genuinely make the love songs make sense, instead of me singing them blindly because the beat makes me feel happy — and i'm starting to love that feeling.
but i haven't found them yet. i haven't necessarily been looking either, but still.
i tell myself it doesn't matter. half because i'm enough on my own and entirely because i know i would have no idea to do with myself if i did have someone.
but i can't say i don't feel envious. because i do. i want to know what that feels like.
i've written about it. but it's all been fantasizing. i have no clue if what i wrote was accurate — chances are, it isn't.
but i've never felt it. and that makes me sad sometimes. because everyone in my life has. i'm the odd one out again, and all it does is remind me of when i was little and i was quite literally left out of everything.
i was the absolute last to have a cell phone. the absolute last person they listened to. the absolute last person they asked about something. i was always left out.
and maybe it isn't anyone's fault. maybe i'm here, writing this because i'm just sad again and needed something to write.
but i know my heart longs for someone.
if i could count the amount of dreams i have had that were of the most simplest forms of human touch or compassion that i've never experienced. how many first date scenarios that have made my heart swell and then sink when i realize it didn't actually happen. the amount of dreams i have where in them i have a boyfriend and we're doing something simple — reading with his arm around my shoulders — is unreal.
because i want that. i want someone i can do the things i do alone with.
because as much as i love being alone when i do them, i want someone to share it with.
i'm an incredibly lonely person.
and i don't know if it's because of my past or because of my sense of awareness to how big this world truly is or a wicked combination of both.
all i know is i am lonely.
and i hate to say i am used to the feeling, because i don't want to be. i don't want to be cynical right now and say, "i'm lonely and probably always will be, but it's nothing to be ashamed of," because who knows, maybe i'll find that golden kind of love that sucks the loneliness right out of me. maybe they're out there, waiting, feeling the same way.
i don't know.
i just know i am incredibly lonely. and i start daydreaming more and more when i become conscious of this feeling.
and i know i should stop staying up so late. because that's when the loneliness wants to be known.
but i am so, so lonely. and it's hard to sleep.
