Down By The River- Merome

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Tw- suicide and swearing.

Mitch's P.O.V.

My feet were dangling in the cool rushing water of the river and my eyes were watching the cars on the distant motorway crawl along the bridge. There had been an accident further along, possibly a fatal, and the blue and red lights were lighting up the trees around me with specks of colour.

The silence of the forest behind me was comforting and it was almost like a shield behind my back, protecting me from the voices in my head and the thoughts that told me I was useless and would be better if I just... left. I tried to ignore them but it was difficult, especially when I felt that I had nothing or no one to turn to.

I started humming under my breath and ran my hands through my hair, closing my eyes as I just tried to balance my mind. My mind was everywhere, thoughts running through my scattered brain and driving me wild, just wanting them to shut up.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus, I couldn't work because of the voices in my head and I didn't know what to do anymore. All I wanted to do was to make them shut up but the only way I knew how to do that was to... you know... die.

Pressing my back against a tree behind me I sighed and looked up to the heavens, my eyes finding the constellations that I knew so well from years of lying on my roof and staring at them. I didn't know the actual names they had been given so I made up my own. My favourite was the swan.

I lifted one of my knees up to my chest and hugged it. I didn't want to be out there by the river but there was nowhere else for me to go, not when I risked being killed if I went back to either house that was an option.

Going back to my family would mean a beating, my father didn't accept the fact that I was gay and I had been in hospital a fair few times before I had run away. Neither of my brothers minded and I didn't know if my mother did but she took my dad's side so she was dead to me too, as my father was.

My boyfriend's house was out of the question. He had become abusive a few months into our relationship and had threatened to kill both me and himself on several occasion and because I had been away from a lot longer than I said I would be I didn't doubt that if I entered that house, I wouldn't be coming back out.

I sighed and scrubbed my eyes fiercely, tears almost beginning to creep down my face. The only option was my best friend, Jerome.

He didn't know that I was gay, he didn't know about the voices, he didn't know that I was suicidal. He didn't know that I had tried to take my life before, he didn't know about the abuse that I suffered, he didn't know that I was on the verge of trying to take my life again.

I was just about to push myself off the riverbank and into the cold depths of death when my phone vibrated behind me and I turned. Jerome was calling.

"Hello?" My voice was hoarse.

"Mitch? Where are you? Your boy is calling asking where you are, he keeps saying you've been missing for hours and aren't answering his calls." I rolled my eyes.

"He hasn't even been calling. He's full of bull crap." I pulled myself away from the river and leant back against the tree.

"Mitch are you okay?" I let out a sharp bark of laughter, somehow finding the situation funny.

"Does it fucking sound like I'm okay!?"

I threw my phone to the ground after hanging up, discarding it behind me as I slid back to the river, once again dangling my feet in the river and contemplating letting go. I really wanted too, I really did.

I had nothing left to live for.

I could hear my phone vibrating behind me and I didn't even have to turn around to know that I was Jerome calling and texting me. I just ignored it. I didn't care.

Slowly I pulled the pad of paper and a pen out of my pocket and wrote the last note that I would ever write.

My name is Mitchell Hughes, I am 24 years old and this is my suicide note.

To whoever reads this, I'm sorry that you had to read this. There isn't anything you could have done for me, I'm too far gone.

I won't even bother to say goodbye to my boyfriend, dad or mum. You don't deserve it.

To my brothers, I love you so much. I'm sorry that your big brother couldn't stick around to see you through life, see you graduate, guide you through life. Stay strong, you'll make it.

To my best friend Jerome, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you about everything that was running around in my head, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. But you won't miss me, you'll move on like everyone else did.

Goodbye world. I stayed longer than I should have.

I placed it on top of my phone but before I turned to the river I opened my phone and checked the texts from Jerome. 21 missed called in the space of a few minutes and well over 50 texts asking where I was and if I was okay. I sent him one last text.

I'm sorry. Goodbye Jerome. Thanks for everything.

I saw his reply before I turned my phone off and dropped it on the riverbank.


I whispered out one last 'I'm sorry' before turning and lowering myself into the water. I didn't even feel the cold, my body was already numb, and let my head slip under the water and just... let go.

My body drifted in the current and I closed my eyes, finally able to let myself go for the last time.

And as I faded away, I couldn't say that I regretted it.

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