Already Gone

- v - A Time For Everything

1552 words

Date: January 21st, 2018
Time: 7:00a.m., Sunday

That Sunday morning I found myself standing in front of my full body mirror, debating on whether or not I looked appropriate for the event at hand - church. The date seemed to come quickly, and I'd be lying if I told you that I hadn't been nervous the past few days. Truth is, I hadn't gone to church in a couple of years. In a way, this was new to me all over again. I wanted to impress. I had to impress. First impressions are everything.

Why do I feel this way? I asked myself as I was getting lost in my thoughts.

I wore a deep navy blue suit with a white dress shirt tucked behind the jacket, topped off with a blue and white striped tie. But I felt there was something missing.

Sighing to myself I decided staring into a mirror certainly wasn't going to change anything, and I hesitantly walked from view and sat at my desk. I figured I had a bit of time to write in that journal. Slowly becoming my best friend.

Good morning.

Anyway. So this morning I'm spending too much time deciding what to do. In my head are thoughts I don't want.

Am I good enough?

Am I good enough to go to church? A part of me says no because I've turned away from that life. But can I get it back? Will I get it back? What will it be like now?

Too many thoughts.

Of course I know that the people there very clearly won't judge me, but does that mean much? I've thrown away three different outfits today, and by thrown away, I literally mean thrown away. I grabbed a trash bag and stuffed the outfits inside before ditching the bag into a trash can outside.

Why?

Because they didn't look quite right and it frustrates me. I spent so much money on those outfits because at the time, they actually looked nice. Slowly I'm starting to see things I didn't before. Nothing is right right now. I'm thinking about getting a whole new wardrobe.

I've decided that my hair no longer fits the structure of my face, so instead of its usual slicked back style, I brushed the front over my forehead. It fits so much better. I feel like the closer the tips of my hair is to my eyes, the better it is. I have what some people literally call a very weird face. My eyes don't really open as wide as some people. I have really long eyelashes that genuinely compliment nothing. I'm not ugly. Just different.

You want to know how frustrated this whole week has made me? Okay. In the last 72 hours I've changed the style of my bedroom a dozen times, trying to get my mind off of everything. It didn't work, obviously.

I couldn't even begin to tell you just how crazy stressed I've actually been. But complaining about it isn't going to help it, I guess.

So with that being said, I'm going to go. See you tonight!

I wrote the date and time at the bottom of the page before closing the book. I slid it into the bookcase between a few other books, and I took in a deep breath, readying myself for church.

Grabbing my keys from the counter, I made sure my phone was in my pocket. With everything going smoothly, I walked outside of the house, the beautiful sun beaming down on my face. It smelt fresh of morning dew.

I locked up my house and made my way down the drive, getting into my car. I fixed the rear view mirror and turned the key into the ignition, listening to the engine rev to life. Pulling out of the driveway, I turned on the radio and listened to the local news station on my way to the church, which wasn't that far away, believe it or not.