Already Gone

- ii - The First Page

1135 words

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Date: January 17th, 2018.
Time: 10:25a.m., Wednesday.

"You're angry."

I stood in the cemetery again, for the second time in one month. To say that it was a record would be an understatement.

Right in front of my father's gravestone is exactly where I stood, and Nora, who was the whole reason I was here again in the first place, stood beside me with her hands buried in her coat pockets to fight the cold. She was trying to explain to me what I was feeling, telling me yesterday that there was a page she couldn't read when trying to read me.

"I'm not angry," I replied.

"You're so closed off that you can't even see it yourself," she said softly, her voice like velvet.

Clenching my teeth, I count to ten in my head before replying. "I'm not closed off. I just tend to see the world differently than other people," I said. "Some days, like everyone, are better than others."

"So, you're not sad, not angry, not depressed, not happy - or any other remotely human emotion - then what are you?" She sounded genuinely confused.

"I'd like to think that I'm just normal. If it happens, I guess that's it then," I said. "Nothing anybody can really do about it." I could tell that she didn't believe my words.

"But when I look in your eyes, I see something there. It's something that I can't quite make out, but it's definitely there, and you're denying it," she said. "A psychologist in need of another psychologist," she was muttering the words to herself but I caught them.

"Hey, I do not need help. I'm fine, and if there is any kind of problems, I can solve them myself," I snapped. On her face was a state of shock, taken aback by my outburst. Sighing, I said, "Sorry. Don't mean to snap. I'm fine, really."

Staying quiet for a few minutes, she spoke up. "I have a suggestion."

"Which is?"

Facing me directly, she said, "You say you don't feel any of those emotions, that you just go with the flow, and you are genuinely convinced of this."

"Yes? Go on."

"A journal!" Excitement overflowed in her system and she put on a bright smile. 

"A... journal?" Confused with the topic, I raised an eyebrow.

She rolled her eyes. "Write in a journal. Every day when you wake up, and every night before you go to sleep. Open the journal and think really hard about what you're feeling there in that moment, and what you felt through your day. Write about how certain things made you feel, how different people in your life affect you. Write about how your job affects you, your clients - everything. Write about it all, and make sure to jot down your feelings, emotionally." I listened carefully to her words as she explained.

"How will this solve anything?" I questioned.

"I'd imagine that you couldn't simply write that you feel sad, or angry and such, because you feel that you're not affected that way. So write about how you feel. If you wake up one day and you're grouching about barely catching eight hours of sleep, write down what you did about it. For example, if you woke up complaining about everything, groaning about this or that, that would be annoyance, but write down how you reacted. Each day and night, right down how something, or someone, has affected you. It's just that simple." She was full on excited about this.

So that's what I did - I took her advice and began writing in a journal. Did I think this would solve anything? No. My problems were unsolvable. The problem was that my dad was dead, it was a problem that couldn't be fixed. But the least I could do was try; for her.

***January 18th, Thursday, 7:30a.m.***

When I woke up the next morning, I headed to the kitchen to make myself a hot cup of coffee. Then I went back into my room and pulled the journal I'd bought the previous night out of my dresser, placing it on my desk. The journal was pretty simple; a brown leather covering with a burgundy red book marker which was attached to the book. The pages were lined and thin, an off white color.

Flipping the journal open to its first page, I grabbed my pen from the pen holder. Slowly, hesitantly, I began to write in the page, my thoughts consumed deeply by the wonder of emotion.

" Do I really know what to write in here? Not really. Did I plan in advance, make preparations? No. I usually would but not this time.

Last night was interesting. Nora and I talked for hours and hours, laughing about nothing and everything. Just being there was something new for me. I haven't had a genuine laugh for a very long time. Laughing with clients was a completely different feeling. That was out of cheer. But sitting there laughing with Nora, was more like this warm feeling that made me feel special. The opposite. I laughed with clients to cheer them up, but laughing with her was cheering me up.

The movie we watched was 'Bucket List,' and she cried, laying her head on my shoulder. My heart fluttered at the simple gesture and I'd be lying if I ever said I didn't develop feelings for her, because I certainly did. I really like her.

I drove her home and walked her to her door. She smiled up at me, asking me to join her for church on Sunday. I didn't want to - I still don't, but I told her yes, because I knew it wouldn't be fair to say no. And maybe, if nothing else, I'll understand something from my past a little bit better.

I went to sleep happy, for once, and it felt great. I woke up refreshed, feeling like somebody else. Even as I'm writing this, I'm still smiling. For the first time in a long time I can actually say that I'm genuinely happy, just content with everything right now.

I'm going to have to thank her for being amazing, aren't I? Yes, yes. "

I wrote the date at the top right of the page and smiled to myself, thinking I'd accomplished something major.

I got ready for my day, or I thought I did. The news I would hear that day left me beaten once again.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Wow, this is a lot shorter than the first chapter but don't worry! The chapters after this will be a lot longer too. I'm actually running on time right now lol and I want to get a chapter out today. If you're reading this, please vote. (:

vote, comment, fan :)

-Lights, writing for you ♤♡◇♧☆