Chicago Fire, "It's Our Time Now"

Our Last Goodbye

When you lose someone you love the world around you doesn't stop, even though you wish it would. From the moment you are told they are gone, you try to find ways to deny it, ignore it, make it seem like it isn't real, because you can't see living your life without them in it. You wish time could stop, rewind, and change the past, but time stops for no one. So one day, even though it's still gonna hurt, you have no choice but to get up and pretend you're moving too. We keep living because we have to, even if we don't want to. We keep going on because of the people around us who are still here. We push through the depression, and anger, sadness and hurt, and we survive. We survive even when we don't wish to.
The day after Shay passed I laid in bed, not sleeping, but watching the world move by without me.
The day after that, I laid in the same spot. A box of tissues on my night stand and the garbage can next to me filled with them. My heart was heavier today, weighing me down to the bed, I barely had the strength to get up and use the bathroom.
51 was taken out of service. All calls were rerouted to the nearest station while we were all given time to grieve the loss of shay. A few days after she passed I finally had no choice but to peel my sad body out of bed to attend her funeral. It started at the church.
The chaplain read a very nice speech, then a few quotes from the bible. At the end a few of the guys carried her casket to the hearse so we could head to the cemetery. All of us loaded into the trucks for our last ride. 20 fire trucks followed by dozens of cop cars all with their lights on. The drive was slow and sad. When we got there the guys from 81 carried her to where she would be buried. Everyone followed and piled around where she would be laid to rest. Shays mom asked me to sit with her. She held my hand so tightly as the next part of the service started. All around me I could hear sniffles and cries. Everyone weeping in sadness for one of the greatest people I've ever had the chance to meet. The Chaplin started again with a quote and then offered for anyone to speak up and share stories. A few did, raising a few laughs which was almost impossible in such a dark time. I even saw her mom crack a smile. No matter the situation, shay was always one to help make others happy. She always wanted to make others smile. So I'm sure if she were here, she'd want us to laugh. Though laughing felt so wrong without her here to laugh with. Her mom stood up a while later with a short letter she wrote to shay. She wiped her tears with a tissue and stuffed it in her pocket before starting. "My dearest Leslie Shay. My first born. My greatest blessing. I still can't believe its true. That I won't be able to ever see you again. You were the light of my life and always will be. I will carry you with me forever. God blessed me with one of the most caring and kind hearted people in this world and I will forever be so very proud of you and all you accomplished. I wish there were many more years for us to spend together, but I know we will pick up right where we left off when we meet again. I love you sweet girl. Rest easy." She shook as she folded the letter back up to put back in her pocket and said "I'd like to ask shays best friend to come up here and say a few words. Gabby?" I didn't see that coming. I hadn't prepared anything. I didn't know what to say. I stood up and she hugged me. She sat down and I said " For the past 4, almost 5 years shay has been my best friend. Since the first day we met I knew she would be one of the most important people in my life. She had humor like no other, bringing smile and jokes when we all needed it most. Without even asking she was always a hand when you needed help up, and was always a shoulder to cry on. She listened, gave the best advice, helped you cry it out and then made you feel better with a laugh. It was a special talent of hers, always making you laugh even when you'd rather cry. I'll always be grateful for the memories we shared, our friendship, and being her partner for these past 4 years. Our firehouse will never be the same without her, that I'm sure of. But her memory with be imprinted in the walls of that building and in our hearts forever. She wasn't just a coworker, she was family. She was a sister.
All the men and women in blue knew just what to do. The knelt on their knee and brought their caps to their chest. Together we joined.
"Today we kneel for our sister, tomorrow we stand for her, and every day after that we carry her in our hearts."
Everyone returned to their feet and I said "we all love you shay. You'll be with us forever." I returned to sit by her mom as she was crying. She took my hand into hers and said "thank you gabby." The Chaplin returned back to his spot by shays casket as I wiped my tears. He said a few closing words and then asked Matt and I back up to fold the flag. When it was folded, I handed it to shays mom.
Everyone set flowers on the casket and made their way back to the trucks to head to the final part of the service, the bell ceremony.
When we got back to the firehouse everyone got to where they were supposed to be. There were bagpipes playing, lines and lines of fireman in their dress blues, and two extended cross ladders on the fire trucks that hung the flag. There were speakers, words of love and rememberance. Chief Boden assigned the ringing of the bell to Matt. Boden started. " When a firefighter dies the toll of the bell is rung for their last call. The bell is rung to say their shift has come to an end. To say it's time for them to go home. Leslie Shay, you're shift has come to an end. May you make your way home." 3 sets of 5 bells rung. Once that bell is rung, you can't unring it. And there's no more denying that it's the end. The bell is rung to say goodbye. The final goodbye.
After the bells were rung Shays badge was put into a shadow box that will be hung with all the other line of duty deaths. Chief Boden with tears in his eyes revealed her name that was engraved on ambo 61's driver side door. He ended by saying " We do a dangerous job. We all knew that when we signed up. Reach out to eachother in this time of sadness, be there for eachother. Always." The flag was lowered, the bagpipes were silent. All you could hear was cars in the distance. 100+ men and women stood quietly with heavy hearts saying their final goodbye to Leslie Shay. The greatest paramedic firehouse 51 will ever have.