Chicago Fire, "It's Our Time Now"

I'll See You Again

The world seems to stand still when you are told. That feeling you've never felt before, one of complete sadness.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
The words you never want to hear.
You feel faint, broken, you feel like your heart has been ripped from your chest, like your lungs have been squeezed out of air. Your first reaction is to cry, your second reaction is to run. You have to get out of there, to do anything that will help the heartwrenching feeling of brokeness fade. As the tears fall you can't seem to shed enough. You start to get angry. You want to punch a wall, punch someone, throw something, none of which will bring them back, but you can't escape the anger. You stand there in shock, and no one can seem to comfort you.
Why did this happen? Why..? That's the only question you want answered, but no one can seem to answer that for you.
"We are gonna try our best to save her gabby, she's in good hands." The doctor said trying to reassure me, but I knew it didn't look good. He hurried behind the rest of the doctors who were rushing Shay to the OR.
I fell into Matt's chest as he tried to tell me everything would be okay.
"Let's get you checked out babe."
"I have to wait here."
"Gabby, you cant do anything for shay right now. But we can get you looked at. Please."
I followed him into a room and sat on the bed. The doctor followed us in and started the exam. He cleaned my head up and said "your lucky, it doesn't look like it will need any stitches. I'll throw a bit of glue on there and patch it up." He took out his light and said "look straight ahead for me." He shinned the light in my eyes and said "any dizziness?"
"Just a little." I replied.
"Blurred vision?"
"After the explosion yes."
"She also lost consciousness." Matt said.
"Sounds like you have a concussion. We are gonna have to send you down for an MRI just to be sure it's not anything more."
While we waited for the mri results, we sat with the rest of 51 waiting for an update on Shay. Everyone was silent. No one said a word. After about a half an hour passed, her doctor walked through the door I had my eyes glued to ever since I sat down. I instantly stood up and walked to him. He took off his scrub cap and I saw in his face, he didn't have good news.
He took a deep breath and started. "We did everything we could, Im so sorry gabby."
I didn't respond, I physically couldn't. It's like my voice was taken from me. I took a step back trying for a second to imagine my life without my best friend, and I couldn't. Matt forced me into his arms, that's when I broke. I sobbed. None of the guys had ever seen me cry. I tried to catch my breath, but I felt like I couldn't get enough air. I wanted to scream. I wanted to push Matt away, even though I knew it wasn't his fault. I wanted to be angry at him, at everyone standing around me.
"Shay put you down as her next of kin, do you consent to organ donation?" Briggs said.
"Shay would want that. Can I see her?" I asked.
"Of course. Follow me."
We walked into the back room and I saw Shay laying unconscious on the bed. The nurse finished what she was doing and then gave me a minute alone with her. I slowly walked up to her side a sat down. I scooped her hand into mine, she was still warm. I looked at her taped up head and bruised face. The tubes kept her organs alive, kept her breathing, but she was brain dead. It was crazy to think she wasn't gonna wake up.
"4 years ago when you walked through the doors of 51, I knew we were gonna be my best friend. I knew you were gonna change my life. Who knows if you can even hear me, but I just want you to know, I need you to know, how much you mean to me. You are my soulmate Shay. You are my person, my other half. If it wasn't for you, I would've never got through my sisters death, i wouldn't be with Matt, I wouldn't be where I am today. You changed my perspective on life, made me a better person, and brought out the best in me. I don't know what I'm gonna do without you. Im sitting here waiting for you to wake up, expecting you to breathe on your own, but your not. I feel like this is all my fault, I wish we never traded places. You deserve to be here. Why couldn't this have been me."
I was interrupted as the doctor came in.
"Hey gabby, how you holding up?"
I shrugged my shoulders. He put a hand on my back and said "I'm sorry but we have to take her now."
He waved a few doctors in and said "Want me to get someone for you?"
"I'm okay. I just need a minute."
"Take your time. I'll let you know when we are finished."
He got ready to walk out and turned for a minute to say, "This is a good thing Shay is doing. She's saving so many people. I know that doesn't make losing her any easier, but think of it that way. If you need anything, you know where to find me."
"Thank you Briggs." I said holding back tears.
He left and I looked at the empty spot where the bed used to be. She really wasn't coming back, she was really gone. I walked back out to the waiting room, and Matt stood up. Before he could say anything I said "I'm gonna go get some air."
"Need me to come with you?" He asked.
"No, I'm okay. I'll be back in."
I could tell he wanted to hold onto me and make everything better but nothing right now could help.
As I walked out, i tried not to make eye contact with anyone. I knew they were watching me, but it if I saw them crying, I would cry more. When I got outside, I inhaled deeply and then let it all out. I fell to the ground, cried how I needed to cry, found a little bit of strength, picked myself up, and walked back inside.
After the organ donations were completed, we were all allowed back in the room to see shay one last time. Each firefighter removed their hat, stepped forward, and said goodbye. The look on each of their faces was of pure pain and sadness. When all of us were done, everyone took a knee and bowed their heads. With heavy hearts and many tears, we all knew exactly what to say.
"Today we kneel for our sister, tomorrow we stand for her, and every day after that we carry her in our hearts."
It will never be goodbye, it will always be I'll see you again.