melancholy town | h.s

fifty three

Anxiety.

If you ask me, that's probably the biggest killer I know. She's always there, in the background of your life waiting for the perfect time to come in and fuck you up. She comes in waves, and sometimes she's always there, constantly putting you through hell and back.

I haven't felt her in a while. For a period of my life, I thought she had disappeared and replaced by my best friends; depression and loneliness. But she's always there. She's always a constant. She'll never disappear.

I don't know why she's back. Things were starting to look up in these past few months. My mother's basically disappeared of the face of the earth and I've managed to somehow find someone who makes me genuinely happy.

But when things go up, the harder they crash when they fall down.

I'm sitting alone, so fucking anxious for what the future is about to hold because I know nothing ever goes right in my life. I feel disconnected and so dissociated from myself, feeling as though everything right now is fake and pretend, as if someone's playing a sick joke on me, distracting me with 'happy' things before I fall down again.

I can feel a harsh crash coming and I know she'll be the reason for it-

"What are you writing?" My boyfriend's voice tickles the back of my neck due to the close proximity. I quickly drop my pen and spin myself around on the bar-stool to face Harry.

"Nothing interesting." I shrug, blocking Harry's sight with my frame. I wrap my arms around his warm neck, pulling his attention towards my face.

"Mmhmm." Harry mumbles, green eyes flickering down to mine, pulling his lip ring in his teeth.

"It's really nothing. I'm just writing some shit out."

"Damn, thought you was writing our names in a death book." He jokes, a dark smirk crossing his face making me chuckle.

"I'll put that on my bucket list." I say as Harry leans his face in closer, gently placing his hands on my waist. He presses a small kiss to my lips, I returning the favour.

This past week has been almost magical. School was out for a term break and not to mention my mum hasn't been home once. Harry has been staying at our house almost every single day, still having it off with his mum. Silently, I think he's over the situation and he's not going back just because he enjoys it here more. I don't really understand why though, it's constantly cold, dark, old and just.. shit.

We haven't told anyone about us, especially not my brother. Nessa suspects something's new, I swear she has an extra sense for shit like that. Work has been more fun than ever with Zayn in charge. He's been slowly setting up his private business in the backroom, using both Nessa and I as test subjects to his new 'creations'.

"I got invited to a party tonight, and you're coming." Harry says moving his ring clad hand to my face, cupping my skin softly. "Who's house?" I ask.

"I dunno, I think it's some girl that we met a few nights ago at the park party." He shrugs, watching my eyes.

"I have a few md caps left over from Saturday so we don't have to buy anything." I say watching a smile tug on his lips. He leans in again to kiss me before pulling away and walking behind the kitchen counter. I quickly shove the piece of paper I was writing on into my folder before he can see it.

I'm not ashamed of it, nor am I anxious of him to read it. Honestly, I just couldn't be bothered in a conversation of him worrying about the state of my mental health.

Harry opens up the fridge only to find sauces and random condiments, groaning before opening the pantry to find empty packages and half eaten foods. Harry rolls his head back in annoyance, his long curls tickling the back of his leather jacket.