Dying to Live

Chapter 29

⏳ ZOE, July

The dispatcher kept me on the line until the paramedics arrived, coaching me through things I already knew. She asked me questions, but I knew she was only trying to distract me, to keep me talking. Finally, after what felt like hours, two paramedics stormed through the door. 

I waved them over frantically and started to explain the situation in as much detail as I could, hoping I wasn't missing anything critical. My heart was trying to beat out of my chest, but I forced all of my emotions down so that I could focus on Adam.

"He's been receiving palliative care for the last two months, almost exactly two months now. He has chemotherapy intravenously every week and he also takes tablets orally every day. I have a list of all the medications he's on in here somewhere, and the dosage—"

I quickly ran over to the counter where Adam was keeping all of his medication. I opened the manila folder and grabbed the first sheet on top of the thick pile. Every date, every procedure, every milligram, it was all written in there in a mixture of Adam's and Nancy's handwriting.

"I'm fine!" Adam kept insisting while I tried to explain his situation further. "I'm totally OK now. I don't need all this. I was just a bit dizzy and having a hard time catching my breath, it's no big deal." He wasn't fine! He was starch white and lying on the fucking floor. There was already a bruise beginning to form on the side of his head and his hands were all cut up.

"Adam, please, just let the paramedics check you out," I gave him a pleading look and he closed his mouth, looking up at the ceiling instead while one of the paramedics checked his blood pressure. "He passed out and he hit his head. I checked for a concussion already but—" I went on, speaking to the female paramedic while the male continued to assess Adam. She looked at me strangely, maybe like I knew too much, and I felt the need to explain myself further. "I'm a nurse in Detroit."

The paramedic nodded her understanding and smiled wryly. "Miss, I understand you know what you're talking about, but I'm going to need you to back off and let us do our job here, OK? I promise you, your boyfriend—" she hesitated for a moment, peering over at Adam.

"...my husband. He's my husband," I said weakly.

"OK, listen to me, honey. I know this is scary and you want to help, but right now we're doing everything in our power to make sure your husband gets the best care. You have to trust us and let us do our work, OK?" I stared blankly at her as my heart continued to pound hard in my chest. Every single fiber of my being was telling me to push further, to get in her face, to make sure everything was done correctly. But instead I just nodded and took a half step backward, giving them some room.

Why couldn't I breathe right now?

"Come here, baby. Stop being my nurse for a minute and come be my wife. Hold my hand, tell me everything's gonna be OK," Adam said softly, stretching his hand out toward me.

I threaded my fingers through his and gave a gentle squeeze. "Everything's gonna be OK." It was all I could do to try and smile reassuringly while the paramedics were busy fitting him with a breathing mask and getting him ready for transport. Oh God, why was my heart still beating so fast? I needed to calm down. I needed—

"Just breathe, Zoe," Adam said, his voice coming out strange and muffled underneath the oxygen mask currently feeding air into his ravaged lungs. "Breathe, baby."

I stroked his head and actually found myself laughing softly, despite the overwhelming urge I had to start sobbing. "I'm supposed to tell you that," I told him weakly and blinked back a few tears. I couldn't fall apart. I couldn't be weak. I had to be the one holding it together now, for him. He was the only thing that mattered.