Yours Truly, Ramona

chapter thirty four | before.

My voice is weak and fragile as I feel myself wanting to join Luis in the breakdown, and I know that my eyes moments away from uncontrollable tears.

"I'm just—I'm in a lot of pain, Luis."

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, hoping that he'll understand. I hope that maybe he won't be like Jasper. Maybe he won't leave me.

"Because of Jasper?" Luis presses, a sudden anger lighting up inside of him. "If that's the case, I can go beat the shit out of him. What he said about you and what he did to you is wrong."

I open my damp eyes again and look at Luis in agreement, but I lay my hand on his shoulder to calm him.

"I know. But I don't want you to fight him. I'm tired of fighting."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I lean towards him in a moment of neediness and put my head on his shoulder. I've been so tired lately, and so fed up with the drama. The lies, the pain, and the secrets. It hurts so badly, but if I can just sit here with Luis, maybe it doesn't have to hurt as badly.

I'm surprised to feel him wrap his arms around me, but I don't stop him. He lets me feel safe and secure for the first time in a while, and I need that as I prepare to tell him something that I've never actually admitted to him out loud.

I stare in front of me at Luis' wooden dresser as I take a deep breath and sink further into his hold.

"You know how I've been thrown around into different foster homes, right? I've told you about that before."

He rests his chin on top of my head, and I feel him nod as he holds my body even closer to his.

"But I never told you about my parents," I start with a shaky breath. "They were high for most of my childhood, and I—I had to take care of Mason like he was my own son."

The room around us is silent in the absence of my words, and I can tell that Luis is patiently waiting for me to find the courage to finish. And I know that I can trust Luis. I have to, if I want to give him the answers he deserves.

"And even after we entered the system," I continue. "It never got much better. I had to keep fighting to keep Mason safe. I'm just tired of fighting everyone."

The absence of tension is a surprise to me, considering there was so much with Jasper. But Luis just takes a deep breath and lets me lay my head on his shoulder.

I feel myself wanting to bury myself in every inch of him. I want to feel his warmth and breathe in his scent until I can no longer breathe. I want to feel his arms around me until he can no longer hold me.

Although he can't take away my pain, his presence seems to be numbing the hurt I'd normally feel. And that's something I want to hold onto, considering there aren't many things that can do that nowadays, besides my blade.

"What about the home you're in now?" Luis questions. "I thought you liked that Owen guy?"

"I mean, I do, but I don't wanna get attached. I'm just gonna move to a different foster home eventually."

I pull away from Luis and force myself to create distance between us. After all, when I do end up killing myself, I want it to hurt him as little as possible.

"Is there anything else you need to talk to me about?" I ask, changing the subject.

Luis nods and turns to me, one of his hands falling onto mine.

"There is one more thing."

He looks down ominously, his eyes turning sad and regretful. It takes several moments before he speaks again, his voice held back and unsure, but I can feel my stomach drop as his tone turns serious and pained.