I Never Gave A Damn About The Weather//Brallon

Chapter 4

I sigh, and lift my head off of the cold metal of the locker. I run my fingers through my hair, and take out my books for the classes I needed them for. In first period, I had a hard time focusing. I couldn't stop thinking about how hurt he looked. How his eyes dulled, and how his shoulders fell along with his confidence as he walked away. I couldn't stop thinking about how much of a fuck up I am, and how I need to desperately get my life together and figure out this whole sexuality thing. Thoughts kept running through my head and I couldn't help but zone out.

Dallon and I didn't have any classes together until last period, which is Math. We also had the same lunch. I really needed to make sure he was okay. I didn't mean to freak out, and I know I did it in an unnoticable way. He obviously realized though and took it to heart. He had all rights too. I didn't deserve to have Dallon in my life. I could tell there was a drizzle of rain outside, and I know Dallon may ask about it. If he does, I don't know if I should tell him the truth or not. I definitely should. Lies only pile up, and become a bad habit and that's how you lose people. I will not let myself ruin this and lose Dallon. Lying is never good for anyone, the truth always arises one way or another.

Trying to focus for the first four class periods was hell. I kept getting lost in my head, and zoning off. Luckily, none of my teachers actually said anything to me. They probably figured it's because I was just sick, but nope. Just me thinking about how much I had hurt Dallons feelings this morning. He's sensitive. I should've at least explained that I'm not ready for that. This day is going downhill so quickly, yet I only have myself to blame. I upset Dallon, and now I feel like a total asshole. Honestly, if he punches me and tells me he hates me, I wouldn't even be mad. If I saw me, I too would punch me and yell "fuck you!" In my own face.

When it was finally time for lunch, I hurried to my locker, shoving my books in it, and hurrying to the cafeteria. I wanted to make sure Dallon was okay. I got my lunch, which was a chicken patty. I didn't have any plans of eating it, honestly. The schools food taste like they melted vomit and plastic together, freezed it for 3 years, and then cooked it and served it to us. Nasty.  I go over to the table we always sit at with a few of our friends. Gerard, Frank, Pete, Patrick, and Tyler. I didn't see Dallon though and I slowly sit in the seat I always sit in, the one next to me empty.

I look around, but I don't see Dallon anywhere. I'm an idiot. "Where's Dal?" Patrick asks and I shrug. "Probably hurting because of me." I mumble, putting my head in my hands. "Dude, whatever happened I'm sure it'll be okay. You guys are so close, it's unreal. You won't lose him." Frank says and I lift my head up, running a hand through my hair. "I hope so." I say softly. "I know this is off topic, but there's this new kid. Josh. He's hot as hell, fuck me up." Tyler says and I smile. "Then date him. And steal his waffles." Gerard says. "I will, watch." Tyler says, and takes a sip out of his drink.

Suddenly the seat beside me is taken and I look over to see Dallon. Thank god. "Ah there he is!" Pete says and Dallon chuckles softly. Without thinking, I grab his hand that was by his side, intertwining our fingers. He looks at me surprised and I offer him a small smile. "Hey." I say softly and he gives my hand a tight squeeze and my stomach burst with butterflies. This is so confusing. It shouldn't be this confusing. Am I gay or am I not. It's not that complicated. Yet for me, it seemed to be rocket science. "Are you blushing, Urie?" Pete asks, and Dallon immediately looks at me. "He is." Dallon confirms, a small smirk on his face and I look down at my lap.

They couldn't see us holding hands from underneath the table, so honestly they can't know the reason. I wish I wasn't so confused. I wish I knew if I 100% liked him or not. But I don't and life is confusing. It's a part of living I suppose. Things aren't meant to be easy all the time. I suddenly became insecure, and felt as if everyone was looking at us, and let go of Dallons hand., more quickly then I had intended to. I felt like everyone knew and I don't know why that scared me so much. Why is this so scary?