the diary // jensoo

saw the stars within your tears (29)

jennie.

"i'm leaving next week, lisa," i muttered, there was bitterness laced in my tired voice.

i haven't told anyone about this because i thought that i could change my father's mind. but i was wrong. my alcoholic father doesn't listen to me, he doesn't believe me, he doesn't care for me. he keeps telling me that i'm in the wrong. . . how can loving someone be wrong? jisoo is my light in the dark, she's my best friend, my family, my lover. . . how can choosing her among the sea of stupid men be wrong?

why is transcending beyond the norm and the expecting of reality considered wrong?

the last thing i want in life is to leave my two best friends and jisoo. they're my world, my solace and so much more and my father doesn't understand that.

because his world and everything more had already passed. but still, that's not enough reason to explain everything wrong he dad done to me.

when mom died, i felt like i lost my father too and nothing more is harder than that.

what did i do to deserve this?

no one deserves this, no one should be forced to leave what makes them happy.

"why aren't you telling jisoo this?" lisa asked.

to be honest, i don't know the answer to her question. maybe i just don't want her to feel the weight of not being accepted by my father or maybe deep inside i already know that we weren't going to last for long.

i mean, we don't have a place in this world where the straights are dominant and we are forced to live by their rules.

(reminder: the story's timeline is 2010)

"what's the point in telling her, lisa?" i asked tiredly.

"what do you mean?" her voice rose in pitch. "jisoo is worried sick because of you! the least you can do is be honest with her."

i shook my head in disappointment. "there's no point in telling her," i firmly stated. "after i leave, i will have no contact with any of you. if we don't break up now, do you think i'll allow myself to let jisoo blindly chase after me?"

"what do you mean, jennie?"

"like i've said, once i leave, i no longer have contact with any of you," i replied coldly. "my father will implement strict rules and will have control over my life."

it felt really heavy saying that my homophobic father will have control over me once i leave this country. it really hurts. because i didn't really do anything, i just did what made me happy.

look where that brought me.

i was selfish to think that i can love a girl while being a girl myself in this punishing society.

"i won't be able to talk to any of you," i muttered in complete defeat. "and i know if i don't break up with jisoo myself, she will chase after me even with no leads. . . she's that type of girl."

"she will wait for me, lisa," i muttered. just imagining the pain i'll give jisoo make my eyes teary and my heart in deep, deep pain. "she will. and i can never forgive myself if i strip her of happiness because i gave her the idea that i still love her and i will come back."

"you won't come back?" lisa asked, there was pain in her voice too.

"i'm not sure," i replied weakly. "not as long as my father is alive. and my father will hurt her family if i don't do what he says. he's the devil."

lisa looked at me with a worried look before tearing her gaze from me and pinning it to the wall.

"i understand, jennie," lisa said. "but at least give her closure?"

i sighed and stared at the same wall lisa was staring at. memories of the happy days flashed in front of my eyes as if i'm dying on the spot and the tears that i have been tucking back has finally spilled like all the promises and dreams i made with jisoo.

"i will," i replied meekly. "but not now. someday," i added, letting the tears fall, not even bothering to wipe any of them.

silence encased us. all i could hear was my weak attempt to hold back my sob and lisa's breathing.

i felt weak not only to the knees, but to the every bones in my body. i wasn't ready to leave. this is the only life i know of and to be honest, this is the only life i would have happily lived in.

"i forgive you, jennie."

"thank you."

—

no one was there to see me off. not my father, not my friends, and not my girlfriend. i liked it better this way though. it feels like i wasn't leaving anything behind and somehow, i felt a little bit of peace.

i was gripping the handle of my trolley case tightly as i pulled it around the airport. i looked at my wrist watch and felt a cold prick in my chest when i realized that my flight was about to leave in 30 minutes. i was a fool to wish for a miracle, for this to be a nightmare. but the steady tick of the clock's arm made me realize that this is my reality — this is my life, just miserable.

i was lost in my wrecked line of thoughts, but the announcement for departure was enough for me to step back into reality once again. i guess this is it.

every step i took towards the airplane felt like death. it felt like i carried every burden on this planet on my shoulders and every step closer to the passenger boarding bridge felt like i was walking on spiked bamboos planted by soldiers centuries ago. but i didn't stop walking because i know that this is for the best.

how i wish i got to see her face once more, i wish i got to hold her for the last time and i wish i got to tell her how much i love her. but all of these are just silly wishes that needs a miracle to come true.

i hope one day we meet again, jisoo.

i hope the day comes wherein nothing opposes us anymore.

i'll always love you no matter what.