Smash Into You

Chapter 19: Frozen

There was never an easy way to get over an awkward situation. Never an escape button to press that just speeds up the process of knowing if everything will just end up normal or go back to what it was before. But for the sake of everything Lauren and I have been through, I fought for the obvious answer I wanted. I was sick of the ups and downs we seemed to be having, the left and rights that constantly slapped us in the face.

That morning, as soon as my eyes opened, I lay there staring at the ceiling. No thoughts wandered by, I simply laid in silence as I watched the fan spin in its circle. It was a bit hypnotizing as it twisted the same direction, bouncing air off my face. Maybe I was just preparing for everything to come, gathering the strength that I would have to hold on to as soon as Lauren woke up. This was my only moments of peace, because after those green eyes slid to me as she slowly sat up from my chest, my days would be dedicated on making sure she was all right.

It was worrying, because even though Lauren flirted with me so much and teased me so much, there were never any signs that she liked girls. There was never a conversation that slipped how she found women attractive, no slight indications, nothing. Honestly, there was nothing I could gather from my memory on how she felt sexually besides Brad, so that is why I was worried for her.

I know for me, figuring everything out was stumbling. I cried to Dinah when I finally said it out loud, to myself and to her, that I was possibly gay. She comforted me of course, asked me gently why was I crying? Was this something I didn't want? Was I scared? Did I believe it was wrong for me to like girls? But it wasn't any of that, I simply cried because all my life in elementary school, middle school, and even high school everyone assumed the same thing even though I told them differently. And, well here I was finally coming to the conclusion that they were right, and I proved them right.

It was silly, but honestly that was the only conflict I had with myself. Then I had my first girlfriend, this amazing girl, and it opened my eyes. It didn't fucking matter if I proved anyone right, and it didn't matter if I was still slightly confused on if I still liked boys or not- even though lately I'm leaning to the conclusion that I don't- because it honestly didn't matter to me: the one person that is most important. So fuck the bullshit. I do, think, say, and decide who I want to be. As long as I'm with that, the fucking world will just have to deal with it.

For each person, the struggle with the concept of coming into terms with your sexuality is different. I wasn't sure if Lauren would honestly be confused about what happened last night or just brush it to the category of, 'The weird things that can happen when drunk'. Either way, I was accepting whatever choice she was going to make even before the fact; because I'm her best friend and that's simply what best friends do.

Even though there was something that worried me deeper than how Lauren would feel when she woke up: What Lucy would say about all of this?

For a moment, I truly feared for my life. What was I supposed to tell her after I had just ditched her last night to stay with Lauren? It wasn't like Lucy didn't know why I was staying. She knew it was for Lauren, so it isn't like I could lie about it. I ditched my girlfriend for the night, and not only did I ditch her, I put her on hold for another girl.

May the gods watch over my soul because I was going to be murdered when I saw Lucy again.

"I seriously need to buy some curtains," I heard a groggy Lauren voice grumble from my chest as she nuzzled into me, hiding from the sun, "Either that or shoot down the sun with a mother fucking rocket."

I shifted and glanced down at her, smiling as I watched her hair slowly tumble to hide her face. With a chuckle, I replied, "Oh boy, I forgot what a joy you were in the mornings."