Collide : A Robsten Fanfiction

Chapter 8 : Birthdays and Retributions

I tried, for the sake of the boy and girl who fell in love with each other. I tried for those two lost souls who only wanted the world to understand them.

But I cannot do it anymore. She has to know.

"God damn it Kristen! For once, could you stop being so selfish!" Exasperated, I sat back down trying to get my shit together.

"What the hell did I do now?" She asked.

"It's nothing you did, lately if I must add" I glared at her. We won't be talking about it, as promised. Some topics are just better uncharted.

"Rob please don't bring it up, not again" her voice softened, tone pleading. It hurts for both of us every time.

"It's nothing in particular. I'm just having a hard time trying to pretend I'm fine when I'm not" I explained. Somehow, I came to a point where I can't even look her in the eye already. So I stared on the hardwood floors of the deck and just let it all out.

"When I was in Adelaide, I get so much time alone that I actually had time to think things through..."

She was pacing the deck now, conversations like these don't end well, everybody knows that.

"In that amount of time, i got all my priorities straightened out. I realized that If I wanted to succeed in my career I have to stop paying attention to other people's unfounded judgment." I glanced up wondering if she knows where I'm getting at. But no, she was already frozen in place staring at a random plant or tree in the vicinity.

When I was alone out there, I knew that the only way I get to have a sure footing in this relationship again was to understand what I really wanted out of it. I wanted Kristen, but I wasn't sure If she wanted me like I her. I realized that if I wanted to get back in the game I have to think of myself also. But like always, when she's there in front of me already, I find it hard to let her go.

"Kristen, it's not that I don't value us. It's just after all that's happened I find myself in a disadvantage. I find myself undervalued."

"By who Rob?" she interrupted.

"No. Its not like.."

"Say it! Just say it!" she lashed out. "Just say that you find yourself undervalued by me! That I'm an ungrateful bitch! That after all these years I manage to fuck up the only thing that actually means anything to me. I fucked you up. I fucked you up so bad I can't even fix you...no matter how hard I try it would never be the same, because I'm a selfish bitch who was so scared of something so real she took the fucking bait when reality wanted her to get a fucking grip!"

She was shaking. Her legs trembled, her face in a grimace, her eyes closed trying to keep her tears at bay.

I was there one moment so sure of myself, now I lost it again. Like I always do in all these arguments.

I stood up and closed the space between us, wanting to comfort her but knowing I don't have the right, but I need to hug her and feel her now.

She spent the last few months trying to make it up to me. It was such a drastic change from her usual self it scared me at first. If our relationship before was more of me trying so hard, after the shit storm, she made up for it tenfold.

I know she blames herself so much for this, and I wasn't any help at all, I was only there for her to worship. Someone she could grovel at to make up for the guilt she went through.

"I love you so much Robert...and I'm sorry." she sniffled.

I wasn't listening anymore, my mind was made up. I realized it wasn't gonna get any better, we were both like broken records all the time. Same arguments, same insecurities. This has to end at some point. If I don't end it now it's only gonna be harder then.

"Kris, listen to me...I think we need to give each other time to heal. I don't blame you for it, I don't blame you for anything at all. If I was a stronger man we might have pulled through, but I'm weak and I'm only gonna drag you down with me" I calmly explained. It was a practiced speech. There were so many times I've wanted to say it but find myself scared of losing her, so i let it go by.

Now i regret it, I can't take the words back.

"But I love you....I always will. You know that right?" She was stiff in my arms, barely moving. "But we have to let each other go....for now"

Then she cried, she cried there in my arms.  She has been crying a lot lately. Maybe this was for the best.

We weren't the same people anymore.

She lost herself. I lost myself along with her.

After a long spell she pulled herself out of my arms, but not before she hugged me tight first and smell me too, yes she just did.  She brushed her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt, "I got to go, Maybe I'll make it in time for the party after all"

She hurried in the house. No words from her, just acquiescence.  So I just stood there with her scent and warmth lingering in my arms. I tried to engrave it in my mind. I found myself storing memories for safekeeping lately, maybe I knew it was coming.

After a few minutes I heard the front door close and her car start. I stayed a little longer to secure the dogs and make sure they get enough food and water. Who knows when she will be back, coz I know I wouldn't be for some time.

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A/N: Back in May that year as well. There was a photo of K during Rob's Birthday (May 13) where she was seen "tearful" in the front seat of her friend's car (see photo above). Few days later a photo of Rob was released where he was seen leaving her house in his red pick up truck with all his luggages, also with Bear and Bernie (their dogs). I'd like to think that before their formal separation probably there were already small disagreements in between like any other relationships. (25/09/2019)

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